* My Life in Lap-Band-Land *

Needed a small un-fill yesterday....

2010-07-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

When I got the fill 7 weeks ago I was extremely tight, stayed on liquids for a week or 10 days and it loosened up by itself to what I consider to be my sweet spot.

Just before the weekend it got tight again... and on Monday it got so tight that I could not even drink a shake, could not eat dinner but was able to eat a small sample size of Pretzel M&Ms (maybe 7 M&Ms in it) at midnight. I do not even know why I ate them because they were so not worth it... While shopping I was donating $20 for abused/battered women and the lady was giving away those free mini-size M&Ms, which I declined to take but she was so pushy that I eventually took it. Anyway, I woke up 3 times that night and had bad acid reflux and woke up because I had blue/green colored liquid in my mouth (from the M&Ms that I ate several hours earlier). Then in the morning even my hot coffee would not go down sitting in my pouch for about an hour.

At first I didn't want to go for an unfill, but my husband really convinced me and now I am sooo glad that I did. Feeling sooooo much better. :-)

I can tell that I still have restriction because I just had a very liquidish pureed split pea soup (have to stay on liquids for at least 3 days) and I know that it is still in my pouch. Hopefully it will be just perfect by the time I can have real food again. And I really like to eat real food. I make much better food choices, that truly satisfy me instead of resorting to slider foods because nothing else goes down.

Last weekend we had a friend staying with us, that I have not seen since around Christmas... he was really shocked to see me and later asked my husband privately if I was sick or something because I've lost so much weight. Once he knew that I am fine he couldn't stop talking about how much weight I have lost, which was really funny, because it felt genuine. He brought some Pakistani Food (that was so extremely delicious btw) and I found the perfect excuse to explain my new eating habits. "It's all about portion control... I am eating very small portions but eat them so slowly that I can get real satisfaction out of it". I did really well... I don't think that anything looked weird or raised any questions or suspicions, even though I chewed what felt like a 100 times ;-)

I do not mind talking about the band with strangers and tell overweight people how great the lapband is and how it saved my life ... but under no circumstances do I want this to be known within my inner circles.

I am not blogging a lot lately because I do not even know what to blog about... on the weight loss front all is going well. On Friday I was 98 pounds down and I am anticipating Friday to (hopefully) celebrate my 100 lb loss.

It still feels weird. I know I have lost a lot of weight and there are moments when I feel "small" and when I look in the mirror I see MY face that I have not seen in a long time. I am a true 14 bottoms and wear XL tops, which is great because I can shop in all the "regular' stores... but I also have a lot of fat days...

In 2 weeks I will be flying to Germany... really looking forward to see my parents, brothers, grandmas and my very best friends, to be spoiled in "Hotel Mama" and do all the European things that I can't do here.

I am sure I will blog before I leave and if not I will definitely post some pictures from my little vacation.

Hope all are doing well and losing weight.... can't wait to read your blogs and follow up with all of you.

ONEderland :-)

2010-07-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

What a ONEderful day :-)

I have finally reached ONEderland... and it truly feels ONEderful! I stepped on the scale at least 20 times to look at that ONE and I am sure by the end of the day I will have stepped on the scale at least 50 times ;-)

Not even a year ago It seemed sooooo far away, almost impossible for me to reach... and now here it is! Right there on my scale: 199.5

What is even more facinating is that I bought 2 pair of Gap Jeans on May, 25th. One in size 16 that fit perfectly at that time and a size 14, that did not fit at all. In fact I could not even get into it....

Yesterday I tried it on and it fit... :-)

Restriction-wise I am doing okay... there are days when I am extremely tight and other days when I could eat more than I should, but somehow my mind really adjusted to the new portion sizes and as long as I am not hungry I am fine. I am not counting any calories any longer and do not wear my GoWear Fit device neither. As long as I am losing I am fine, but still find these tools extremely helpful when the weight loss does stall.

The other day I was craving Chinese food and looked (for the first time ever) at the nutritional facts of Panda Express. Their Kung Pao Chicken has 300 calories and 19g of Protein (without the chow mein or rice). Very band friendly. I ordered a Panda Bowl but it was still too big, so next time I'll order from the Children Menu.

I am now 4.5 lb way from 100 lb lost and 9.5 lb away from being overweight (and no longer obese)

The closer I get to goal to more exciting this journey gets.

Sorry for not blogging and not leaving any comments for the last couple of weeks. I've been so busy with work that I just didn't have the time.

I'll be catching up with your blogs over the weekend and look forward to read how everyone is doing. I hope all are doing fine.

9 Months Bandiversary - Bye-Bye 210's

2010-06-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

9 months ago at this time I was having surgery... wow... time passed by soo fast... and now looking at it from that angle it is unbelievable that I have lost 85.5 lb since then.

Weightlosswise my expectations are definitely exceeded and I never expected to be flirting with ONEderland at this time especially because of the infection and port removal surgery and all. I guess the most important lesson I've learned along this journey is... no matter how hard you fall you can always get up again and run off to the finish line. And there is nothing that can stop me now! I want to see that freaking 199 on my scale and want and will reach my goal of 155!

It was so frustrating to look at that ticker and see 140 lb to lose.... and it feels really really good that this 140 turned into a 54.5! It is getting smaller and smaller and so am I!

My mind still cannot accept my weight loss... I have many fat days, and I have them more often than I had them at 295. I hate my legs and I am anticipating that day when I can truly see that my legs are getting thinner. Of course I am feeling sooo much better and I am not afraid to wear a bikini in my private backyard and jump in the pool... something I didn't do last year because I was so afraid that a neighbor could see me. A lot of those fears are subsiding, which is a very good thing, because I am feeling so much more alive and free.

What I did not expect was, that this lap-band journey would still be such hard work because for every pound I lose I have to work really hard for. It was very different in the beginning of my journey... I lost almost effortless. When I read other blogs it seems that it may be different for other bandsters but for me it involves a great deal of calorie deficit counting and keeping a close eye on my daily food intake and especially exercise. And the quality of food was not really my problem... it was the quantity!

But it is okay. It doesn't bother me that much because I know that it will be the last time I've ever have to do this and as long as the weight is coming off I do not care how much I have to pay attention.

As some of you may have realized I deleted the post about my mother and my uncomfortable feeling of traveling to Germany.

I deleted it because I actually know the answer and coincidentally (or motherly intuition?) my mother called that very same day and told me that she is very happy and very proud of me that I am losing weight and that I do not need to have any negative thoughts in regards to my upcoming traveling plans. That it will certainly be all about ME but not about my weight. She felt the need to clarify it because of the not so pleasant history we have in regards of my weight. I was really impressed and it made me feel bad that I a) felt those negative feelings and b) blogged about them publicly.

My mother is really a great mother, she is someone I can count on! No matter what would go wrong in my life, I could always call her and she would bail me out (the same applies to my step-father). They would never turn their back on me and truly want me to be happy, healthy and succeed in life! And it always has been a wonderful feeling to have such parents, it gives a sense of security and protection.

We may have a different visions of a lot of things but we also share a wonderful connection! I just needed to get this off my chest.

I thank all of you that have commented on that post deeply for your positive thoughts, advice and input! I <3 you for supporting me!

Happy Weekend!

No more Ws - The best NSV so far!

2010-05-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I passed by the Gap and I still do not know what made me go inside, because I never ever expected to fit into "Misses" Size Jeans.

I am was all about the W's (W16s an W14s).

I was totally helpless and insecure in that store...somehow those little sizes intimidate me. Will blog about this in more detail at a later time.

At any rate... I walked out of the Gap with my blue plastic bag and inside were a size 16 and a size 14 Jeans in Misses Size (no W!!!) The size 16 fits perfectly... the size 14 does not fit as of yet, but I need something to check my progress with so I bought it anyway!

Not even a huge Louis Vuitton or Gucci Bag made me ever feel so proud like that little blue Gap Bag (with Misses Sizes inside)

Cannot remember that I ever felt so "Missy" <3

Will keep the bag as a reminder... never expected it to make me feel THAT good!

PS: @ CurvasPeligrosas! Welcome to Lap-Band Land and I am happy to hear that you will have the procedure with the same surgeon as I had. He is great, I love him and I am so glad that I had the surgery done by him. Unfortunately I do not know if you will need another Endoscopy or if he can work with the Upper GI that you already had. It is listed as a requirement on the pre-op checklist and I also believe that my insurance required it. The best thing to do would be to call up the Beverly Hills office and ask them. They will know for sure. If you have any questions regarding Dr. Feiz or the procedure you may also email me at stardusticsjourney at gmail.com Best of luck on your journey! It's the best thing I have ever done for myself. I will also follow your blog and your journey.

Bye-Bye 220's lb and Bye-Bye 100 kg - Finally Second Mini Goal!

2010-05-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

This one was sooo important to me! Whew! Finally!

The scale finally displayed 219.7 this morning... and immediately I had to switch my scale to the metric system to see that I am less than 100 kg!

That's the reason why my second mini goal was 220 lb and I am feeling soooo good about it. Anything above 100kg sounds horrible. It also just hit me that I have lost 75.3 lb since September 2009... and that it is a lot of weight!

I don't even know what to blog about because I am so damn happy that I guess I have to dance around my computer for a while and digest the good news.

Wishing every one a Happy Weekend and all Mom's a wonderful Mother's Day!

70 down - half way there - and NSVs

2010-04-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

My scale turned out to be my friend after all. This morning I stepped on it at least 10 times to make sure it really said 224.5

I am sooo relived I broke that annoying plateau and see the scale moving!

70.5 down... and I have now less to lose than I've already lost... 69.5 to go!

I also experienced a couple of NSV yesterday... I was trying on all kinds of clothes and proudly showed my husband "Remember? I wore it on Grandma's 90th Birthday" or "Wanna marry me again?" Because I fit into the dress I wore when we got married (not a Wedding dress, because we never really had a Wedding, just had a small ceremony in City Hall)... "Wanna go to Paris?" because I fit into a Winter Outfit that I bought and only wore once when we vacationed in Paris and never fit into it after that because that's when the Atkins diet ended and I slowly gained my weight back...

My husband was really fascinated... truly fascinated and did not say it just to make me happy, it felt very sincere when he said "I am so excited to be your husband" "You are truly beautiful and I can't wait so see the cookie inside of you that you have been hiding for all these year" and "that I look sexy".

It made me sooo happy to hear him say that... He is my biggest cheerleader and I love him with every fiber of my being. He never complained about my weight and still made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

None of my diets ever brought me below the 200 mark... The closest I got was 214 and since it was not too long ago I still remember how it felt like... I can't wait to get below the 214 mark and experience a whole new me that was lost in all that flubber for so many years. I am pretty excited today, because for the first time I really believe that I will make it happen and it makes me very emotional because I had buried that dream or the wish to be "normal" and accepted somehow to be "big" for the rest of my life.

Then there was my most favorite red top... a top that I cherished and loved because it has a cut that hid my weight very good and no matter what the occasion was I could wear it. It was my life-saver on many occasion. If nothing else worked, I always had my red top. Well, the "red top" found it's place next to the size 20 jeans... that I will never ever wear again.. but will be a reminder of where I come from (and where I never ever want to be at).

I am at a point where I really feel the weight loss, where I see the physical changes and where I cannot believe how small my upper body became. When I look in the mirror... I start to see ME! It brings tears to my eyes just typing it... because it really hit me yesterday that the weight will be lost... that I have a huge fire burning within me that will make it happen... it will happen... no matter how long it takes!

I am so excited to get to know "ME" again and I wonder what it will feel like to be "normal" I still have long way to go... but I will get there... step by step... one day at a time... !

Thanks for reading and I am soo thankful that I have all of you to share my feelings and experiences with. It really means a lot to me.

Lalalalalala - broke the plateau - Lalalalalalalala dance around the computer

2010-04-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am sooooo happy and relieved... after I lost 0.9 lb yesterday today the scale dropped another lb.... lalalalala and I no longer have to look at 228-231....

I am at 226.1 now :-) and have lost a total of 68.9 lb

This totally made my week!

Here are my statistics from yesterday (click to enlarge)

What does your fat feel like?

2010-04-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

:-D I have never had a chance to ask anyone that is losing weight and since there are so many of us I would really like to know if you are feeling the same.

When I was laying in my bed last night I felt that all my "fat" feels very different... kinda like Jello or Cotton Balls... very very soft, liquidish, weird... especially on my belly and hips...

Only a couple of weeks ago it felt much more "solid"... I let my husband touch it and he could not believe how funny it felt.

Do you feel the same? I hope it is a good sign :-D

In regards to my post from yesterday and the "Starvation Mode Myth" I would like to add, that of course everyone has to do what works best for each individual. If it works for you to eat more calories and it speeds up your metabolism, good for you! Unfortunately it does not work for me :-( And since I am wearing the GoWear Fit device I can monitor my metabolic rate very closely... the calorie/food intake does not speed up or slow down the rate for me. The only thing that speeds it up or slows it down is my work out routine (or the lack thereof).

I am just so frustrated with that stupid plateau that I am trying to find ways to get the weight loss going again... eating more food/calories had the opposite effect for me... unfortunately... don't get me wrong, if a piece of chocolate could speed up my weight loss I would be more than pleased ;-)

Will keep you informed. At least the scale moved 0.9 lb this morning and hopefully it will move down instead of bouncing back up again. GRRRRR

Wishing all of you a wonderful week and many SVs and NSVs!

@Marie: What do you mean by Chicago? Did I miss anything? Please fill me in!

Here are my statistics from yesterday 4/24/10 (click to enlarge)

Starvation Mode Myth, Protein and Water

2010-04-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

It is time to remind myself of the facts. Yesterday I received a very well-meant comment that suggested to increase my calorie intake. I know the person means well and I truly appreciate it. I really do! I have been misguided by the "starvation mode" theory for a long time... but in the end it has no scientific proof and is considered a "myth"

That's why it is important to remember the fact that we can't lose more weight by eating more calories/food.

It doesn't work that way!

Now, in regard to the "starvation" mode, someone who has extra body weight and body fat is not in any "starvation mode" where they need to 'kick start" their metabolism by eating more calories. You can not "eat more" calories to force your body to "lose weight".
In regard to metabolism, if you are overweight/overfat, you can not cause your metabolism to decrease below a level needed to lose weight while you have extra weight/fat on you, and you can not "lose more weight by eating more calories/food." This is a misunderstanding of the principles of metabolism that does not apply to overweight people trying to lose weight.
Let's say we look at someone who says they are only eating only 800 calories and not losing weight. A well meaning and good intentioned friend (or professional) has told them they are in starvation mode and in order to lose weight and/or kick-start their metabolism, they need to eat more. But, what if instead of eating more, what do you think would happen if instead they just stopped eating altogether?Would they go further into starvation mode and continue to stay at the same weight or maybe even "gain" weight?

Clearly, they would lose more weight if they stopped eating altogether.
We all know (especially those who are familiar with fasting) that if you were to stop eating completely and just live on pure water, you would start to lose weight almost instantly and would continue to do so.
But according to this theory of the "starvation mode," if you were really in it and you fasted, by its own rational you would lose less weight if any at all, not more. We know this is not accurate.

http://www.healthscience.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=512:are-you-in-the-starvation-mode-or-starving-for-truth&catid=102:jeff-novicks-blog&Itemid=267

The idea that "not eating enough" causes the body to stop losing weight because it goes into "starvation mode" is a popular myth among dieters.
Restricting calories during weight loss lowers metabolism¹ because the body becomes more efficient, requiring fewer calories to perform the necessary daily functions for survival. Consequently, this can slow (but not stop) the anticipated rate of weight loss.
For example, if an individual needs 2,000 calories per day to maintain weight, reducing intake to 1,500 calories, assuming exercise stays the same, should provide a 1 pound per week weight loss (Note: 1 pound of weight is equivalent to about 3,500 calories). Furthermore, reducing to 1,000 calories should result in a weight loss of 2 pounds per week and going down to 500 calories a day should result in a weight loss of 3 pounds per week. However, if an individual actually reduces their intake to 500 calories, the weight loss would not likely be a steady 3 pounds per week because of the reduced metabolic rate. It would likely be around 2¼ to 2½ pounds. This "lower than expected" rate of weight loss is a lot different than "no" weight loss as the "starvation mode" notion proposes.

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=35501

There are many more interesting articles on the "starvation mode myth"
http://caloriecount.about.com/truth-starvation-mode-ft28742
http://fattyfightsback.blogspot.com/2009/03/mtyhbusters-starvation-mode.html (This one is written by someone that also had WLS)

Now, to apply all of this to myself...

I am actually very happy that I can eat less than 1000 calories... this would never be possible without the band because I would be cranky and starving and miserable all day long. Now I can eat less than 1000 calories and I feel great, satisfied, I am full of energy and I have many happy moments because I am feeling well. And on top of that I have enough energy to work out every day and get even more energy out of it instead of feeling like "I need a nap".

I am not saying to stop eating, but there is nothing wrong with watching calories and to create a calorie deficit that will make us lose weight faster. I am not at a point where 1 pound a week satisfies me... I want to lose at least 2 pounds a week! 2.5 pounds would be even better! And I am willing to work for it!

No matter how much we hate the fact that 3500 calories equal one 1 pound.... it is still a fact and I know by paying close attention to my calorie deficit I will drop that 30 pounds to reach ONEderland.

Do I plan on counting calories for eternity? Hell, no! But when times get tough and weight loss slows down it is very helpful to evaluate the calorie intake.

I got to a point where I seriously asked myself... "Why did I get the band" and the answer is simple, because I am sick and tired of being fat, overweight, chubby or whatever you want to call it. I refuse to live like this and it is up to me to make it happen.

And I will make it happen!

Thanks for reading, I really had to get this off my chest and I need everyone to remember that the "Starvation Mode theory" is not a scientific fact! So please do not eat more calories just because you are afraid to stop losing weight.

@Barbara, Thanks for your comment! I have to agree with you, protein is very important. I always aim for at least 80g of protein per day. I usually drink a shake with 2 scoops of protein powder (23 g of protein each), soy milk, fresh or frozen berries and some flax seed in the morning and that adds up to 50 g of protein. I can't eat solids in the mornings but breakfast is important. If I do not drink a shake I eat oatmeal or kashi high protein/high fiber cereal but then I would also drink a bottle of isopure (40g of Protein) to make up for the protein.

Lunch is either something like egg or tuna with salad greens and herbs and dinner fish/chicken/beef with veggies. I rarely drop below 80g of protein per day. On most days I consume more than 80g.

And in regards to water... I drink between 4-5 Liters of Water each day, 3-4 (large cups) of coffee during the day and 2-3 (large cups) of green or herbal tea at night.

So and now I got myself all greedy for more weight loss and will jump on my elleptical trainer and burn me some more calories.

No idea what is causing the plateau... but I will break it... I will not give up!

And here are my GoWear Fit statistics for yesterday! (click to enlarge)

Happy Weekend to all of you!

Not losing...

2010-04-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

It is frustrating... I am stuck between 227 and 231 for the last 4 weeks and no matter what I do the scale is not moving. And if it is moving it is moving right back up a day later.

I really need to lose that 30 pounds to reach ONEderland. For my own sanity :-D. If it slows down after that so be it, but don't let me be stuck between 227 and 231.

Enough whining... So in order to jump-start the entire losing process I am now wearing my Gowear fit device again and monitor exactly how many calories I am burning and record every single piece of "anything" that enters my body. Mainly to find the perfect calorie deficit.

My restriction is fine, I am not hungry between meals and do perfectly fine with 800-1000 calories per day. Yesterday I only consumed 641 which is on the very low side. I am not really doing anything different than in October/November when I was losing approx. 3 pounds a week. It bothers me a lot that I am not losing.

For the next couple of days/weeks I will post my Gowear Fit statistics because I find them to be extremely helpful to look at at a later time. This may not be my last plateau and I need to find out what works best for me in order to lose consistently and break plateaus.

I know I am not the only one that is "stuck"... and I just wanted to let you all know that I am right here with you... and that I understand your frustration.

April 22, 2010 Statistics (click to enlarge)

I've had it with you!

2010-04-10T00:39:00.000-07:00

Look at you fat cells... Your looks are so deceiving... You look all innocent and nobody would expect you to cause so much pain and suffering to so many women world wide.

I hate you and believe me I do not use these words lightly... but I cannot remember anything good that came out of you ever since you invaded my body about 10 years ago.

There is nothing I enjoy about you! Nothing!

You want to know why?

Because I have tried anything and everything with you... I tried to sweat you out on the treadmill, worked out with scary tattoo freaks in smelly gyms, you did not care how high my heart rate rose by climbing up seriously steep hills on the elliptical trainer, how much I sweated, how many muscles I built and most of all... you did not care how much I starved.

To make matters worse all you ever gave me was a nasty attitude.
Yes, you heard me... you have a bad freaking attitude! You ignored all my attempts to purge you and instead of shrinking or relocating I heard you giggling in my thighs!

I know that from a medical point of view I need some of you... SOME... and somehow you must have missed that part!

If I ever find out which one of you little jerks decided that it is okay to invite all your friends to party within my body there will be serious trouble.

You are lucky that you are small in size, otherwise I would just crush you and rid you out one by one... but your day will come... make no mistake about it.... I will continue my journey with the help of "Your Highness" and you will have no choice but to shrink... Sooner or later I will pee out your "soul" and you will for eternity rod within the Los Angeles canalization system and never ever have the chance to make anyone's life as miserable as you made mine.

This is not a threat! This is a promise!

Consider this letter to be your permanent eviction notice. I've had it with you!

Do you truly believe you will reach your goal? I cannot let go of my size 18 pants!

2010-04-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

My closet-spring-cleaning turned out to be a real project... but a project that was fun but also made me think.

I can no longer wear my size 18 pants, which made me very happy but also triggered serious fears within me.

In the past when I was still dieting... I would just put them in the back of the closet or put them in the guest room closet just to be save because you never know when you may need them again ;-)

I sadly realized today that my mind does not allow me to let go of that mental blockage that I am stuck in.

I did not have a weight problem until the age of 18, at least I was not considered overweight and was in a normal weight range. By the time I turned 23 I gained 20 pounds that I really struggled to get rid of and never did. I moved to the USA with 187 lbs and 2 years later ballooned to 250, that's when I lost 50 pounds but it did not last long, another 2 years later I was 285, lost 71 pounds with Atkins in 2004. After that I gained some and lost some. By the time we moved to L.A in 2007 I was 236 pounds, I worked out every day, started Atkins again and only lost 2 pounds in 3 months, that was very demoralizing because I did not understand why I could not lose weight and two years later I ended up at 295 (because I was so sick and tired of diets and it didn't seem to make a difference how much I worked out and how little I ate). That's when the lap-band journey began.

Now I have lost 67 pounds since being banded and the scale shows 228, which makes me very happy... BUT I am so worried that it is just a temporary kind of thing.

When I lost 71 pounds with Atkins I promised myself to never ever gain it back... that I would never allow myself to not pay attention to my weight and it still happened and a couple of years later I was at my heaviest ever.

Back to the size 18 pants... At first I wanted to pass on my clothes via the sisterhood of the traveling pants and let my pants travel from one bandster to another... I put them on a special pile to take pictures, along with some tops that are very dear to me because I find it very hard to find truly beautiful things in plus sizes but then my fears kicked in. The fear of gaining it all back... and not be able of just grabbing a larger size.

In my closet you can find clothes from size 14/XL all the way up to 20/3XL and I realized that they give me a great comfort and some kind of security because no matter how much I gain I always have something to wear no matter if it is a wedding, a party, a business meeting or just a lunch with friends. For me there is nothing more frustrating than the lack of finding the right outfit. I am sure you all know how frustrating it is to go clothes shopping and I have to admit that I regulary cry in dressing rooms because I get so frustrated with myself and my lack of willpower and commitment to my own body.

So why is it so hard for me to let go of the size 18 pants? Because it took so long (and many tears in dressing rooms) to find the perfect fit/cut? Am I subconsciously holding on to it because I think I will gain it all back? It bothers me that I cannot free myself of whatever is holding on to the size 18 pants.

I would really like to know if you can picture yourself at goal weight? Do you truly believe you will get there and stay there?

My goal is 155 pounds because it would put me at a "normal" weight range... not overweight... but normal... It seems soooooo far away that it is really hard to picture myself of getting there. I need to lose 3 more pounds and I am halfway there... but the halfway mark doesn't mean a lot when you still have 70 pounds to lose.

What's wrong with me? Is anyone having similar "issues"?

Bye-Bye 230s - Hope to never ever see you again

2010-04-03T00:57:00.000-07:00

Good Riddance 230s... What a stubborn visitor this was... hope to never ever see you again!

I gave it my all this month... and unfortunately it did not pay off the way I expected :-(

Even though I lost 10 pounds in the month of March I was really hoping to lose a couple of more pounds to reach my Easter Goal of 225! It is highly unlikely that I will drop 4 pounds in the next 48 hours. It's okay, I am still very happy that I lost enough to say good bye to the 230s and if I can continue to lose 10 pounds a month I will be EXTREMELY happy!

I never thought that I would write anything like this... but I am no longer hungry, have no appetite and food just does not taste the way it used to taste. I am having the problem not getting enough calories in. It is not the restriction because I could eat much more if I wanted to...I have never experienced anything like this because I am a food lover and there are varieties of foods I truly love and like to eat...I wouldn't be overweight if I didn't like food, lol!

It really bothers me because I would like to eat in the 1000 calories range... So tomorrow I will have to create a meal plan and force myself to stick to it whether I like it or not.

On a different note, I had a couple of NSV this week...

#1
The most important one, I can (for the first time) see that I have lost weight. Until last week I could only see it in my face but not on my body even though I have dropped sizes in clothing and my husband and other people are pointing it out all the time... but nothing feels better when you can actually see it (and believe it) yourself!

#2
I cannot wear my wedding band any longer because it slips right off... my watch hangs on the underside of my wrist because it got too lose. No idea if I should have it adjusted or wait it out until goal weight.

#3
I am being ID'd for buying wine. Seriously! I am 35 years old, lol!

#4
My closet needs a serious "spring cleaning" Last week we had 80+ degrees and I had to work my way through at least 10 summer tops to finally find one that actually fits.

Other than that I am still extremely busy with work... this weekend I will do some serious spring-cleaning and if time permits plant my veggie and fruit seedlings in my garden.

Will check in with you soon. Bonnie and Band Groupie...Thanks for asking for me and I am truly sorry that I could not respond sooner.

My Easter Challenge

2010-03-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

I really need a Challenge... an aggressive one! Those challenges always lift my spirit and get me motivated.

So I decided to set an aggressive goal for Easter:

I want to be at 225 on Easter Sunday... that's 13 pounds to lose during the next 4 weeks and 2 days!

Did anyone of you guys set an Easter Goal? Let me know so I can watch your progress!

Okay, I have no time to waste ;-) I am off to the gym! After that I will cook my favorite salmon, lemon, tomatoes and onions oven dish, will order in a chick-flick (poor hubby) and drink gallons of Moroccan Mint Tea.

It's really coldish in L.A. and even tough I enjoy the comfort of the inside I can't wait for the baking hot temperatures to arrive!

Have a great weekend and Happy Losing!

This is sick - Unbelievable how far some greedy Surgeons go and put lap-band patients in danger

2010-03-05T01:54:00.000-08:00

Lap-band promoters' troubled history - latimes.com

Posted using ShareThis

Bye bye 240s - Hello 230s... have not seen you in a while

2010-03-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

Glad to see you again 230s.... have not seen you in a couple of years :-) And when I met you last time you left way too quickly ;-) Hopefully you won't stay too long neither but this time you'll be replaced with the 220s not with the 240s! Yeah!

Guys, you have NO IDEA how thankful I am for my great restriction. My surgeon put my right back to my sweet spot and I am back in the weight-losing-mode. 2 more pounds to go and I will reach the 60 pounds mark :-)))

It feels good to have a real restriction because it not only restricts me from eating too much but it also removes craving for certain foods. Food is the last thing on my mind, yesterday I realized at 3 pm that I did not eat anything all day... not good and will not happen again, I promise! At 3 pm I ate some high-fiber Kashi Cereal with low fat greek yoghurt (actually breakfast) and for Dinner I had filet of sole and some spinach. I am drinking a lot of water and also had a bottle of Isopure to make sure I get enough protein and of course took my vitamins. I take 1000mg of Vitamin C (normally take 500mg), a Multi Vitamin, B-100s and Omega Gummy Bears.

On a different note;
Today my seeds arrived and I cannot wait to get my vegetable garden started. I've decided I want to try out gardening and to harvest my own veggies (hopefully). I ordered organic seeds from an online store and will try my luck with tomatoes, eggplants, peppers (hot and sweet), zucchini, broccoli, melons, potatoes and all kinds of herbs and mint. Not so sure if I have a green thumb... but time will tell ;-) To be on the save side I also ordered a book about square foot gardening and a book that explains everything in detail. Cannot wait to get it started. Will keep you updated on my little gardening project.

Thanks for your warm welcome-back messages. I am soooo glad to be back and really need my blog and you guys through this journey.

***Hugs****

Infection healed, Port back, happy and healthy again :-)

2010-02-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

Hi @all,

Did you miss me? ;-) I surly missed you guys :-)
I am truly sorry for not blogging in such a long time. Unfortunately I was/am so busy with work that blogging was just not possible. At any rate... I am back :-) and I am happy to be back :-)

Here are the news:
Due to an infection I had my port removed on 11/20/2009 and I am happy to say that my infection has healed and I no longer have any problems or pain. It took a little while to get an appointment at Cedars Sinai to get my port back. From what I have learned December is a very busy month and I only got my port back on January 15th 2010. It felt like I was waiting for forever to get a surgery date. This was the best surgery out of all 3, everything went very well and even though they had to put me under general anesthesia I did not get sick, had no gas pain and no other pain at all *knockonwood*

When I got the port back I lost all my restriction :-( This was very bad and I have done some very bad things. Nor sure if I should tell you a little food porn but the worst thing was when I ate an entire Costco bag (those bags are HUGE, meant for 5 families or so) of potato chips on a weekend.

Am I bad or what? :-D But I am glad it happened, not the infection of course, but my mega-5-families-super-sized-bag-of-potato-chips-experience because I came to realize that I am sick, sick when it comes to food and that I have no will power to say "no" or to stop eating when I actually should not be eating. Lap-band surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I did not gain any weight though because other than a couple of moments of weakness I did okay, even without restriction. However, I was stuck at 246 for many weeks. Once I lost my "sweet spot"it got more and more difficult. "You only know what you had when you lose it" is soo true!

On February 2nd I got my first fill since I got the port back and the restriction only lasted a couple of days. On Tuesday, February 23rd I went for another fill and I am feeling GREAT! My restriction is right there where it was before I got the infection and I am very motivated again. I hope it stays there if not I will get another fill. At this point I have no more time to waste ;-)

When it comes to my weight loss:
9/11-09 Starting Weight 295
11/20/09 Port Removal Surgery Weight 259 (lost 36 pounds)
1/15/10 Port-back Surgery Weight 246 (lost 49 pounds)
Today: 240 pounds (total loss of 55 pounds)

Yes, the infection was a little set-back for me. I had to work much harder to still lose weight because the restriction I had (without the port) was not sweet-spot-restriction but I am still happy that I continued to lose weight and most of all did not gain any.

I am also glad that this all lays behind me. I tried to avoid thinking about it too much and that was probably also a reason why I avoided lapbandtalk and blogger.

Hopefully by tomorrow I can say FINALLY good-bye to the 240s and my goal for March is to say my final good-byes to the 230s.

I am happy, healthy and I loooooooooove my lap-band :-)

Now that the infection and recovery from it lays behind me... I would still do it again! Even with the infection and all... the lap-band is sooooo worth it.

I hope all of you are doing great and I can't wait to read your blogs and let them inspire me.

Thanks for all your support and last but not least I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2010 ;-)

I want my port back :-(

2009-12-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

I have not posted for a while because I have been extremely busy with work and all the Holiday stuff. During the last couple of weeks my Christmas packages from friends and family in Germany arrived and they were all stuffed to the brim with cookies, marzipan and gingerbread (and books and DVDs and gifts for Christmas). Very bad! This is really the stuff that gets to me because it is not just candy... it's what childhood memories taste like. I have been hiding it all around the house and so far have been doing good.

Unfortunately I do not have much of a restriction left and have to rely on willpower. All those German Christmas Goodies around the house do not make it any easier. I normally do not buy those foods because if I do not have them at home I do not eat them nor crave them.

Yesterday we had friends over and had a wonderful BBQ... after Dinner I served a lot of the German Goodies with Tea and I am glad that everyone really liked it and ate a lot :-)

I have no idea when my port will be put back... this year? next year? It seems to be difficult for my surgeon's office to get an appointment from the hospital. We actually planned on flying to NYC next week to spend the holidays with my in-laws and I have no idea if I should cancel the flights or not. Nobody can give me any answers which frustrates me even more. I really need a fill soon and I am getting more and more frustrated with all of this. This is the wrong time of the year to be without a restriction and it saddens me that the entire infection-issue has somewhat killed my motivation...

Last week I said good-bye to the 250 and the scale displayed 249 (46 pounds lost), which made me very happy... however it wasn't a final good bye because today the scale showed 251 again :-(

I WANT MY PORT BACK!!! I WANT A FILL!!! AND I WANT MY MOTIVATION BACK!!! HELP!!!

Yeah... met my Thanksgiving Goal! :-)

2009-11-26T13:32:00.000-08:00

Let's forget about the infection for a moment. Even though I am in pain since the port removal surgery, especially since they closed the hole... Today is all about celebrating because today is the biggest day for me since moving to Lap-Band-Land!

I met my first mini-goal
I have lost a total of 40 pounds
I am no longer morbidly obese
My new BMI is 39.9
I have "only" 100 pounds to go (instead of 140) to reach my goal weight of 155 pounds.
I set an aggressive goal and reached that goal!
The scale shows 255 instead of 295
It was not that difficult to lose the 40 pounds
I got rid of the diet-mentality
I am feeling so much better and happier.

Update on the Infection front:

I had the port removal surgery last Friday, my surgeon did not close the hole and it was very weird to live with a hole by the belly button. It bothered me a great deal because I had to change the dressing 3 times a day and even though I enjoyed playing "Doctor" as a child I am not really into that any longer. On Tuesday I went to my surgeon's office, I cannot remember that I ever experienced something so painful. He cleaned the hole and then closed it with stitches. I felt like I could not take the pain and cried and screamed. The area is very sensitive, not the wound itself but the surrounding area, it feels like some "nerves" are very upset. It looks like it is healing okay. Today the pain got a little better but I still need painkillers throughout the day and night. On Tuesday I will see my surgeon again but I have no idea when the port will be put back. Since I still have strong restriction I do not care that much, right now I just want to be without pain and start working out again.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my US-based bandster friends! I will definitely reward myself with a delicious piece of Pecan pie :-)

Port removal - It's done - Living without a port!

2009-11-22T13:38:00.000-08:00

It's done... my port has been removed on Friday morning. My surgery was scheduled for 7:15 am and I had to be there at 5:15 am, way too early for me... but this way I could not worry too much.

When we arrived at the hospital I had to follow the same procedure as for the initial lap-band surgery except that it took place on a different floor. Everybody was extremely nice, caring and professional. After I changed into the "sexy" surgery outfit they took my weight and the hospital scale displayed 254.5 lbs which made me extremely happy... but since I do not go by the hospital scale it does not mean that my scale at home will display the same weight. At any rate... it made me happy because in that very moment I was not an morbidly obese person :-)

I mentioned it already in my earlier postings that I have a severe needle-into-my-veins-phobia and during the last couple of days I had some horrible experiences. For the pre-surgery blood test I was sent to one of those diagnostics centers on Wednesday and met the rudest nurse EVER. She did not care, yelled at me and even insulted me because of my accent. No idea what her problem was. I surely hope that she does not have any children. Then on Friday at the hospital an anesthesiologist student was trying to put the IV needle in but couldn't do it. He tried 4 times at different locations but did not hit the vein. After that I was so frustrated that I asked for a "real" anesthesiologist to put in the IV because I couldn't take this try and miss the vein any longer. He put it in with the first try and it was not painful at all. However, my arms and wrists are all blue and green from all the trials.

Then everything went very fast, my surgeon arrived, my doctor arrived (no idea why he was there), my husband was called in and I tried to convince everyone that I do not need/want general anesthesia... the last time I felt so horrible that I did not want to go through all of it again. So they gave me propofol instead and I knocked out and cannot remember much.

My surgeon took my port out... AND he managed for me to keep my restriction! YEAH!!!! So now I do not care how long this healing process will take because I still have my restriction.

Even though I wish that I had never gotten this infection in the first place, it was important for me that my surgeon found out what kind of an infection I have and since it is a staph infection (staphylococcus aureus) it was also important for me to have the port removed. Unfortunately the antibiotics will not work on the port (or any implant for that matter) and some surgeons believe that there is a strong connection between infections and that they (if not treated 100%) may later lead to erosion of the band. This is not a chance I want to take.

Sorry, TMI... my surgeon did not close up the port area, so I am living with a hole at my belly button area until Tuesday. It is stuffed with gauze and I have to remove it 3 times a day and have to keep it wet with Saline. Not something that is very pleasant to do. But this way most part of the infection can leak out. It is not that bad especially since it is so much less painful than when the port was still inside.

I am feeling good, have no pain and most importantly I still have a restriction. No idea when the port will be put back in... but will definitely keep you informed.

Thank you very much for your positive words, motivation, encouragement... you are the best cheering squad anyone can have... you guys are the BEST!

Verdict: Infection! :-(

2009-11-18T15:18:00.000-08:00

My worst fear has become a reality, I indeed have an infection.

During the next couple of days I will have to undergo all the pre-op procedures for clearance again and have my port removed. I do not know all the whens and whats yet but will keep you informed. All I know is that the port will be removed soon and that I may lose my restriction since it is complicated to clip the lap-band tubing.

Need to be sad for a couple of hours and digest the bad news.

This is a major set-back for me and I am really starting to think that some force does not want me to get slim and puts those nasty obstacles in my path.

I will show you who will be slim very soon! Nothing and nobody will stop me!!!

Still waiting for the results....

2009-11-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged in a week and I just want to give you all an update... have not received news on the results yet. The pain in the port area is still present and it really bothers me because it prevents me from working out. I have been down for the last couple of days and it upsets me that I have to deal with all of this. That's the reason why I did not feel like blogging, the moment I blog I have to face the fact that there may be an infection and until I know for sure I like to pretend that all is well.

At least on the scale front everything is going well for me. I have lost another 5 pounds (36 in total), said my good-byes to the 260s and I am only 4 pounds away from reaching my Thanksgiving goal of 255. Looking forward to that number very much because I won't be morbidly obese any longer and this number is a very important milestone in my journey.

Thank you for all your positive and motivating comments to my last blog entry. You are the greatest cheerleaders! I wish I could give you the same support right now and I promise that I will be back to my old self as soon as I know what is going on within my body. Waiting for the verdict is the hardest part.

Infection or no Infection? Waiting on the verdict...

2009-11-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

I went to see my surgeon today. He was totally unaware of why I came to his office and probably thought that I wanted another fill. I wish...

So I had to break the news to him that I am having port pain since more than a week and that it just does not feel right and that I think that something has to be wrong.

I have to admit that I was reading in the Complications section of Lapbandtalk.com almost all night and googled as much about infections as my brain was able to take. Poor People, I never really paid attention to that section before and my heart goes out to all the people that had complications. I was kind of worried to see my surgeon today because all that negative stuff on lapbandtalk.com left a very bad taste in my mouth - especially when Doctors did not do right by their patients and one complication led to a series to other complications.

I am so utterly thankful that my surgeon did exactly what I expected him to do, without me telling him to do so. Even though I already knew that my surgeon is great, he completely renewed my confidence and trust in him.

My surgeon agreed that the area is red and he also felt that the area is warmer than other areas. He numbed the area first and then drew some liquid from the area. He wanted to see if there was pus around the port. There was no pus, however the liquid was not clear as it should be but milky. He asked me if I recently hurt myself because it could also be a reason for the liquid to be milky (from the fat).

So he will send in the liquids from the affected area and requests a culture. It is then placed in a container with a substance (called growth medium or culture medium) that helps organisms grow. If nothing important grows, the culture is negative. If something that can cause infection grows, the culture is positive. The type of organisms will be identified with a microscope, chemical tests, or both. (Source: www.webmd.com)

This will take approximately 10 days and then we will know for sure if it is an infection or not. And if it is an infection he will also know what kind of an infection and will be able to properly treat it with medications.

If it is an infection I will have a minor surgery to remove my port and it will be placed back once the infection is completely healed. :-(

On my drive back home I had one of my emotional break-downs that lasted 20 minutes. I just had to let it all out and had to cry. This time it was a Beyonce Song, that switched my mood in a split second from total sadness to total happiness, because deep inside of me I just know that in the end all will be good. No matter if I have an infection or not... if my port has to be removed or not I will deal with it either way and will continue to have a positive outlook.

I am back home, took one of the crushed nasty-tasting antibiotic pills, still listening to Sweet Dreams and inviting positive energies into my life... because life it just too short than to waste it with worrying, sadness and negative thoughts! There is nothing I can do to change the outcome anyway.... So I will wait on my verdict with a smile on my face and hope for the best!

Will keep you up to date!

I am in pain! My port area hurts really bad!

2009-11-09T22:50:00.000-08:00

First off all thank you for all your feedback and comments and a big, warm WELCOME to my new followers! I will address your questions once my pain subsides :-(

Over the weekend my port pain increased, so I called my surgeon's office today and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. It just does not feel right and something has to be wrong. I am not too sensitive when it comes to pain and I have no clue what causes this pain.

A couple of hours ago the pain turned into a strong constant pain... it feels like an internal burning and it is painful just to stand, to lay down or to walk around. The only time the pain feels less painful is when I am sitting down.

The port area is red but it isn't warmer than any other areas of my stomach and I do not have a fever. The incision looks kind of normal, there is nothing leaking and it looks like a normal scar, just a little darker than the other ones.

My husband is totally over worried because he knows that I can take pain well and when I say I am in pain I am really in pain. He even wants to take me to the emergency room but I can hold on to it until tomorrow. I rather have my surgeon look at it than someone that may not even know what a lap-band is.

Please cross your fingers that this is not an infection and just something very minor and the pain goes away fast and for me to continue my journey with a huge smile on my face.

:-(

Weekly Weigh-in, Shoulder pain, Port pain... Am I getting old?

2009-11-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

It all started on Sunday... I made my first unhealthy food-choice and my band punished me immediately. I got stuck, slimed and PBd... by far the worst and luckily only episode I have ever had. No idea what happened exactly, all I know is that it took 2.5 hours for the pain to subside. Out of lap-band land the following would sound a little like an eating disorder but within Lap-Band band land it seems to be acceptable. I really love my band... instead of eating a 650 calorie meal I was only able to eat 4 bites of it and those four bites didn't actually stay inside of me while I still got the satisfaction from having something I was craving for some time. Now I am completely "healed" because just the thought of that certain food makes me sick. The same happened to me with Bacardi almost 20 years ago and I was never able to drink it ever since.

On Monday I started getting port pain... I don't know if it was caused by my episode or if I tore a muscle/scar tissue while wrestling with my dog. Definitely something I need to keep an eye on. I can feel it when I move a certain way or if I want to sleep on my left side. Don't think that it is an infection but I have not completely ruled it out yet, because my belly button area is warm to the touch and it looks a little red-ish. However when I ask my husband to look at it he says that it is not red and that his belly button area is hotter than other areas as well. Will wait and monitor it until Monday and if the pain doesn't subside I will definitely call my surgeon.

Do you still have port pain once in a while? I have had surgery 8 weeks ago and I am not sure if I am overreacting or if I should be concerned.

Since Monday I am also getting left shoulder pain when eating certain foods. Not all foods cause shoulder pain but solid foods definitely do. No idea why this is happening out of the sudden and the only thing I can think off is that I either agitated my diaphragm or esophagus during my episode and the shoulder pain is referred pain similar to the gas pain that I experienced after surgery. It may also be caused by my last fill... and I am a little lost here because I do not know what to make of it.

Anyone experiences shoulder pain while eating?

I still have to figure out a lot of things regarding my band and I am not sure what is considered normal and what not.

I also want to share my good news with you.... I have lost 3 lbs last week and this brings my total weight loss to 31 lbs. Still working towards my Thanksgiving goal of 255 lbs... but will have to take exercising more serious starting tomorrow.

I hope all my fellow bandsters are doing great, I will catch up on your blogs once I hit the submit button.

Happy Weekend :-)

Yeah, the scale is moving again :-) - Thanksgiving Challenge?

2009-10-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Finally the scale is moving again. I am beginning to like the liquid diet, not because of all the "delicious" choices I have but my scale really likes it. Today was my weekly weigh-in and the scale spoiled me with 267 lbs and this brings it to a total loss of 28 pounds!

Last night something weird happened, I could feel that my body was eating itself from within. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt anything like that?

The second fill really helped, not sure about the restriction yet since I have not had any solid foods. At any rate, I am glad that the scale is finally moving again and that I do not have to look at the 269 any longer.

250s I am coming :-)

Thanksgiving Challenge... Maybe you did not get a chance to read my last entry and I want to ask again if you may be interested in setting a Thanksgiving goal?

This is what I wrote yesterday (Original Post)

My first mini goal is 255 pounds. According to my height (5'7) I would not be considered morbidly obese any longer and is a major milestone in my lap-band journey. Reaching 255 pounds would bring my total weight loss to exactly 40 pounds and I am "only" 13 12 pounds away from reaching it.

I was debating with myself all day and could not decide between Thanksgiving and Christmas... but in the end Thanksgiving won! Losing 13 12 pounds until Christmas would not be a real challenge. I am all for aggressive goals and even if I am short a pound or two I know that it will lift my spirit for the next 4 weeks and will make me give it my all. It will put a huge amount of pressure on me and I will have to work hard to reach it within 4 weeks...

Fellow Bandsters... who else is in on it to set a Thanksgiving goal and willing to work hard for it? I wish some of you would join me with a Thanksgiving weight loss goal... I really think we can shred a good amount of weight before the holidays and celebrate our loss with a delicious (but tiny) portion of a Thanksgiving Dinner without feeling guilty about it.

Let me know what you think!

@ Southern Belle: I do not know what to make of "Bandster Hell" because I was still losing 14 lbs between surgery and my first fill. But it is up to you. You won't need to set an aggressive goal... let me know what you think! Hope you have fully recovered from surgery already.

@ Nicole: Great!!! Will check it out on your Blog!

Setting a Thanksgiving Goal... here we go! Are you in?

2009-10-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am normally very careful when it comes to setting weight-loss goals because it is really frustrating if you do not reach them and since weight is determined by so many factors (muscle gain, water gain/loss, etc) and you never know how the scale will react on a certain day especially when it comes to MY scale. As you all know by now she likes to lie a lot and is very lazy and I also suspect her of discriminating against obese people! I hate her as much as I love her.

At this time however I need a goal, I need something to work forward to, something that motivates me to get up and exercise and to pay close attention to what I eat. Not that I have been cheating or having difficulties in following my regiment... I need that mental challenge of proofing to myself that I can lose a certain amount in a certain time period. Something I can and have to fight for.

I was debating with myself all day and could not decide between Thanksgiving and Christmas... but in the end Thanksgiving won! Losing 13 pounds until Christmas would not be a real challenge. I am all for aggressive goals and even if I am short a pound or two I know that it will lift my spirit for the next 4 weeks and will make me give it my all.

It will put a huge amount of pressure on me and I will have to work hard to reach it within 4 weeks...

Fellow Bandsters... who else is in on it to set a Thanksgiving goal and willing to work hard for it? I wish some of you would join me with a Thanksgiving weight loss goal... I really think we can shred a good amount of weight before the holidays and celebrate our loss with a delicious (but tiny) portion of a Thanksgiving Dinner without feeling guilty about it.

Let me know what you think!

NSV and my second fill!

2009-10-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I was forced to try on my most favorite size 18 jeans... Not in my wildest imagination did I expect to really be able to close the buttons... BUT... I did! *dancearoundthecomputer* So I was wearing a size 18 Jeans for the first time in *letmethink* 10 months and it felt great, except for the little muffin top, but who cares when you actually fit in it ;-)

This was a very important NSV for me, even more important than any scale victory.

Shortly after something very weird happened... I was checking on one of the incisions and felt a little bump and I pressed on it...Sorry TMI... but when I pressed on it liquid came out of the scar. I could not believe my eyes and I pressed on it again and more liquid came out... like when you have a zit *panic*. I put one of my Hello Kitty Band Aids on it (they really make me heal faster) and was not worried too much about it because luckily I had an appointment with my surgeon today and he told me not to worry and that it is an suture that my body will either reject or dissolve and that he could take it out but if he did I would end up with a larger scar. I decided to let nature take it's course instead of dealing with a bigger scar. As long as it is not an infection I can deal with it.

I got the second fill and it was not painful at all. This time I had so stand up while he adjusted the band... I had to drink water again and unfortunately I finished the 2nd cup before he completed the adjustment so I actually had to hold the needle that was stuck inside the port while he was getting me another cup of water. That was really funny. I feel so blessed that I selected Dr. Feiz as my surgeon, he is great and so is his entire staff. If feels more like you are visiting family than dealing with a physician. I hope you all are also blessed with your surgeons.

For dinner I had a Atkins Protein Shake and there was no way that I could drink it at fast as prior to the second fill. There is definitely more restriction. Will do 2 days of liquids and 2 days of mushy food and will let you know how it goes with the fill and the changes I will experience.

Will ignore my evil, lying, bitchy scale until Friday and hopefully she has some good news for me ;-)
How do you guys manage it not to step on the scale every day? I have to step on it several times a day and it makes me upset that I am so obsessed with the numbers. Unfortunately did not move and is still showing 269... Hopefully the fill will make her move!

Other than that all is well in ~~La-La~~ Lap-Band Land... have a lot of catching up on your blogs to do and hope all of you are doing great!

Sending lots of California Sunshine over to Gen to melt the snow as fast as possible! Poor thing.

Finally... Good Riddance 270s

2009-10-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

Finally I lost the 3.5 pounds that I had magically gained. I have no clue where the 3.5 pounds came from but I know that they were anything else but fat.

This morning I stepped on the scale and it finally displayed the number I was so much waiting and working hard for: 269 pounds!

This brings my total weight loss to 26 pounds!

I increased the exercising to 30 minutes power-walking in the morning and in the evening, my dog loves it even more than I do ;-) and 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the stationary bike. Unfortunately I have not found a boot-camp-style jerk yet, that will boss me around (a/k/a personal trainer). Not an easy task, I guess my personality and looks are too sweet a/k/a soft and people are afraid that I could start crying when they boss me around. Until I find the right person I will continue to exercise at home / outdoors. After reading your Blogs and your work-out DVD experiences I also ordered some for myself... they will get here by tomorrow but I will most likely not get a chance to watch them until the weekend. I ordered The Shred and some Pilates DVDs and will definitely let you know how much I like them or hate them ;-)

In regards to the restriction... well... Since yesterday I do not have much of a restriction left... it magically disappeared the same way as the 3.5 lbs appeared - no explanation whatsoever. So tomorrow I will call my surgeon's office and hopefully I can get another fill next week.

09/09 = 295
09/11 = 290 (Surgery)
09/16 = 283
09/19 = 282
09/22 = 279.5
09/25 = 278.5

10/03 = 277.5
10/06 = 276 (First Fill)
10/11 = 274.0
10/12 = 273
10/13 = 272
10/14 = 271.0
10/16 = 274.5
10/20 = 271.1
10/21 = 269.0

14 pounds to go until I reach my first mini-goal of 255!

I got 2 pounds (gain) and a plateau for my birthday!

2009-10-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately my birthday gift of stepping on the scale and to see 269.9 did not happen, instead I stepped on the scale and it showed 273, which means that I gained two pounds.

Not what I was looking for but not really a problem, I know I have done everything the right way, I keep an journal on my food intake and wear my GoWear Fit device religiously to monitor how many calories I actually burn.

On an average I have been burning 3000 calories per day and only consumed 800-1000, so there is no way that I have gained any fat, in fact I have lost fat. That 2 pounds must either be water, muscle mass (hopefully) or a combination of both.

I need to remind myself often, that my goal is not to lose weight, but to lose fat. Big difference!

My heart goes out to all of you that are dealing with a plateau. It is frustrating but we should not allow it to define your moods (easier said than done) I will not allow that scale to rule over my mood any longer, it does not matter what it says, and I have to learn to trust myself and my band.

I am at a point right now that I have reached a gazillions of times, I started a diet, followed it religiously, lost some weight and then the weight loss would stall, sometimes for weeks... It demotivated me so much that I did not see any sense in continuing my efforts and it was easier to allow myself to cheat and to ultimately stop my diet and exercise.

Not this time!

I am not on a diet! Period! I will just continue and see where it leads me..... (and it better leads me to ONEderland)

Great answers to my last post, you have no idea how much I appreciate all of you. You made me feel so much better and cleared all my doubts and questions I had. It really helps to read how others think and to know what and how they do it.

On Friday I truly felt that I needed another fill and even called my surgeons office and convinced them to give me another fill. They agreed and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday... No idea what was wrong with me... because since then I prepared a morning star veggie patty with a slice of cheese on it and also some left-over vegetables, made sure that it was no more food than the size of 2 decks of cards and could not even finish half of it. Same on Friday night, we went out for my birthday dinner and I ordered salmon with garlic broccoli and ate 5 tiny bites of salmon and 1 or 2 broccoli pieces. I felt really full and could not even try my husbands dessert because of it. Yesterday my husband wanted to eat Mc Donalds and after a night out I did not mind not cooking so I had an order of Chicken Selects and could only eat 2. I wanted to eat the 3rd one badly (head hunger) but I just couldn't.

So on Monday morning I have to make an embarrassing phone call and cancel the appointment because I need to give myself some more time. I do not think that I have a fill issue. When I eat slider foods I do not get the same satisfaction from a small portion meal compared with a solid food meal. I really need to make sure that I eat solid foods and stay away from mushy foods. And Mc Donalds is certainly not something I want to have on my meal plan on a regular basis but it was interesting to see how the band changed my eating habits from a big mac with medium fries to 2 chicken selects strips.

Breakfast is a real issue for me... I just do not know what to eat... I cannot eat eggs every day and oatmeal really bores me... What are you eating for breakfast? What works best for you?

Restriction - so confused! Help!

2009-10-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

Until yesterday I felt that I had a perfect level of restriction but now I am confused.

I can eat 3/4-1 cup of food or less per meal (depending on the consistency of the food)
I am satisfied for 5 hours after I ate, on Tuesday I went 7.5 hours without food (only had an oatmeal for breakfast) and was not hungry at all.
I can drink thin liquids such as water, coffee, tea without any kind of restriction and I can drink them as fast as I like to
I am not hungry nor do I have an appetite
I have lost 5 pounds in one week since I got my first fill

So this sounds to me the way the band is suppose to work... but I am not sure any longer... because the info on Lapbandtalk is confusing at times.

I read on Lapbandtalk that some bandsters suggest that you should even feel a restriction when drinking water and to be able to bring it up even 20 minutes after you drank it. This sounds pretty disgusting and is not something I need to experience, do I? Others suggest that you should only be able to eat 1/4 to 1/2 of a cup of food and others even mention that you should only eat a couple of spoons per serving.

So what does restriction really mean? Does it mean that you limit your food intake to a couple of spoons per serving and to be satisfied with, lets say 4 spoons of oatmeal for 5-6 hours? Does it mean that even thin liquids sit in your pouch, or if you drink a lot in your throat and you have to feel that it goes down slowly? As written in my earlier post my "full" feeling changed. With the fill I have never felt that I stuffed myself... stuffed like after you ate a Thanksgiving Dinner for example... I have never reached that point... only when I got stuck. Am I suppose to feel that way? I put the amount of food on my plate that equals 2 decks of cards and I sometimes finish it and sometimes don't... again... depending on the consistency of the food. I stop when I am satisfied, the food just doesn't taste anymore and I get a signal that it has been enough so I stop and it satisfies me for many hours... it does not require any will-power!

My surgeon only told me that I should come in for my next fill as soon as I can eat more food than the size of 2 decks of cards. But what does "can eat" really mean...? Is there a point that you just cannot eat no more because you are too full? Do you experience this kind of "full"? I do not push myself to that limit and just stop when I had enough and do not feel any hunger...

I am really confused and would like to hear from you how you feel restriction and what full means to you and especially if you feel restricted while drinking water or tea.

I'm singing in the rain...

2009-10-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it started raining for the first time since Spring. We do not get a lot of rain in L.A. but when we do I really enjoy it. It is something special because it does not happen often and I enjoy the feelings that rain brings with it, such as enjoying a hot cup of tea, wearing socks, covering up with a blanket in the evening, etc. Especially since the aunt visited... I already forgot how you guys call the aunt but you know which one I mean, the one that always wears red dresses and is kind of annoying because she gives you headaches and cramps.

I did not expect to lose any weight because of the water retention that auntie brings with her... BUT to my surprise I was down to 271 this morning! Can you believe this? I am down to 271! This makes it a total loss of 24 pounds! This is much more than I expected or dreamed of! This means I lost 24 pounds in 33 days (+ 2 days pre-op diet).

So when I took my dog for a walk this morning, all bundled up in rain-proof clothes and enjoying the crisp, clean air I could not help it and ran like a 5-year old... dancing in the rain! I am glad nobody saw me... but even if someone did I could not care less. I am happy, really... I am so happy that Your Highness is working... I love Your Highness!

Last night I was reading on Lapbandtalk.com and I was surprised to see how many people are frustrated with their band, I even read that one person has her band for only a week and hates it so much that she wants it to be removed. I am very sorry that people feel that way and I hope they will reconsider their decision.

I guess everyone has different expectations and everyone hopes that the band maybe still turns out like a magical fix that just takes the weight off. I do not blame anyone, nor do I judge... I guess I have those hopes myself... even though I know that it does not work that way.

I got my first fill 8 days ago... and since then I am re-discovering the signs my body is sending me. I am very much in tune with my body and can even feel when I am ovulating and which ovary releases the egg. This may sound crazy but my body sends so many signals that I just cannot ignore and I always loved to analyze the signs MY body sends me. Keep in mind that every body is different and what applies to me may not apply to another body.

The last 8 days it has been all about food and the feelings and signs that are associated with it.

My feeling of being full has changed. Full does not mean I have to open the button of my pants or having a feeling of being stuffed but instead it is a feeling that I am no longer hungry and that I do not need to finish my plate to get any satisfaction from food. This has nothing to do with will-power, I do not have to force myself to stop... it comes naturally.
My feeling of appetite has changed. I am not craving any foods nor snacks. I eat my 3 meals per day and I am satisfied. There are times when I am really hungry and I do not know what to eat... nothing seems to really excite me anymore... I am eating to stop the feeling of hunger but I do not dream of any foods or feel deprived of not having certain foods.
Getting stuck... I have problems with beef, even if it is soft and covered in gravy... I tried it twice and it got stuck badly. Yesterday evening it took an hour to go down and I was really worried because the feeling is very unpleasant. I did not PB as of yet but I am still experimenting what I can eat and what not.
I tried high-protein shakes for breakfast because I am not really an eater in the morning but I do not do too good on them. I guess they are considered slider-food and they do not give me that full feeling that lasts for a couple of hours. I switched to oatmeal (with a small amount of milk so it is not too liquidish in its consistency and sprinkle protein powder with no flavor on top of it). I eat it at approximately 10 AM and will not get hungry until 2:30 PM.
I need 3 meals a day... there is no way I can adapt my pre-lap-band eating habits. I only ate two meals a day before... and dinner always was the biggest meal of the day and the one with the most calories. I assume that I ate at least 80% of my calories in the evening hours which contributed largely to my weight gain. Dinner is now my smallest meal of the day.
Hick-ups; I get hick-ups when eating too fast and not chewing properly.
Burps; I do burp much more than before, especially when I get stuck.
Vitamins; my body needs Vitamins. I forgot to take them for 3 days and got very tired in the afternoons... I even needed a late afternoon nap on those days. I take a liquid multi-vitamin + 1000mg of liquid Vitamin C + Vitamin B-Complex. I need to remind myself everyday to take my vitamins.
Thirst, the more water I drink the more often I feel thirsty. If I do not drink water...or too much coffee... I will not feel thirsty at all... I have a bottle of water next to my bed and finish that bottle of water while I am still getting ready for the day. This is more like a job but it helps me to properly hydrate myself throughout the day. I have no scientific proof for that but it works for me.

Now that I am at 271 I really got greedy... I am only 1.1 pounds away of saying my final good byes to the 270s... With my birthday coming up on Friday I really want this to be my birthday gift. I will not step on the scale until Friday morning and will work very hard to lose 1.1 pounds until then. This would be the biggest birthday gift I could give myself and something that would exceed all my hopes and expectations I have had before lap-band-surgery.

1 Month Bandiversary!

2009-10-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

One month ago I did not really know what to expect from Lap-Band Surgery. I was not worried but I was not fully convinced neither. My main fear was that I will invite something bad into my life by engaging in surgery by choice.

Today I am most of all grateful that my surgery went well, that I did not have any complications and that my incisions healed very well. I am also happy that I had all the pre-surgery tests done because I have avoided physicals for a couple of years, mainly because of my weight and it was easier for me to live in denial than to face the fact that I was morbidly obese (and still am). It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I am happy that my blood tests were better than I thought, EKG turned out good and the heart echo, that I had never done before, did not show any abnormalities.

In June I also had an appointment with an ob/gyn, which I have avoided for approximately 4 years because just the idea of getting naked in front of a stranger made me panic but in order to take charge of my health I woke up one morning and knew that day was the day to schedule an appointment and I did it and when the results came back I felt a huge relief.

I am also very grateful that I have found great Doctors along the way... I never had a gynecologist that sensed how uncomfortable I was and made the check up so positive that I could completely relax and wanted to give him a HUGE hug afterward (but did not). My Lap-Band surgeon is the best Doctor I have ever had, I truly love him and I am forever grateful that he is the way he is and that I have found him. Through him I was referred to my new general physician that performed all my pre-surgery tests and I also like him a lot.

What I like most about them is the fact that they are practicing medicine because it is their calling, that they genuinely care about their patients health and are sensitive enough to understand the fears of an overweight person and just take your hand and lead you through the storm. I never had to express my fears, they sensed them. So for me a great Doctor is not only someone that studied hard and graduated with excellent grades from the finest Universities, but is also human enough to relate to patients emotions and fears and most of all never judges them.

On my 1 Month Bandaversary the biggest accomplishment is the fact that I have taken charge of my health and faced my fears head on. My decision for having a Lap-Band was more a health decision than anything else. I am very happy, thankful, grateful and relieved that I have taken this step and there is not an iota of regret in me.

Of course I am also happy that I have lost 21 pounds, that I can visually see the weight coming off, that I am not hungry, that Your Highness (my band) really knows how to control me, that I am more active and have some kind of a balance in my life. I am also happy that I learned not to obsess over the scale or fills, accepted that my weight loss will be a gradual process and that I will have to do my part in order to lose weight.

Last but not least I am also happy that I have met all of you and that we have each other for support and that we take part in each others journeys. Thank you to all of you for just being there and supporting me with your comments, answers and input. They really mean a lot to me. I love you guys!

My first fill...

2009-10-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

I got my first fill yesterday... he numbed the area first and it was not painful at all. He had me drink water while I was getting the fill and once the water stayed in my throat and was blocked from going down he took a little out so the water could go down. He repeated the same procedure to make sure its the right amount. Before I left I had to drink another cup of water and it went down perfectly fine. Have to stay on liquids for 2 days and then 2 days of mushy food.

Unfortunately my surgeon did not want to tell me how much of a fill I got because he does not want me to think about it. As much as I would like to know how much of a fill I got it is probably best for me not to know because I would constantly compare it to other bandster's fills.

He also told me that my insurance company will pay for 1 fill per month which is great and to come for my next fill as soon as I can eat more food than the size of 2 decks of cards.

Yesterday morning I could not help it and stepped on my (evil, mean, lying) scale again and to my surprise it showed a 1.5 lbs loss. This brings my total weight loss to 19 lbs and with 4 more days to go until my 1 month bandiversary I want to reach the 20 lbs mark.

Even though my scale frustrated me on many occasions during the last 4 weeks I really have to look at the big picture and allow myself to celebrate the fact that I have lost almost 20 lbs in 1 month... and the best thing about it is, that they will never come back.

Okay my fellow bandsters... grab a bottle of water and say Cheers to our weight loss. :-)

Life is beautiful!

2009-10-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why I felt the way I felt yesterday... All is good, Life is beautiful.. As soon as I left the office and headed to the beach everything was fine. I had a good time with my friends and enjoyed the beach very much. I guess I needed a change of surroundings and to just enjoy myself without thinking about work, weight loss, my scale or any obligations.

My friends were a little pushy with the food, did not want to accept that I only ate a soup and declined cake and ice cream. So I said that I had some dental work done in the morning and that my teeth were extremely sensitive. I hate lying... I really do... but it is imperative that nobody knows about my surgery. For the long term I will have to come up with an excuse that will be believable and will satisfy the curious minds.

When I woke up this morning I spoiled my husband with a very nice breakfast in the backyard. I could only eat some greek style yoghurt with strawberries because my band is really tight in the morning and I am not a big eater in the morning anyway.

Have not had any real solid foods yet, but will make a solid food dinner and hope that it will satisfy my urge to chew something. Until then I will clean the house, turn on some I-love-my-life-music and if I am up to it I will rearrange my herb garden.

And from now on I will not get depressed over the scale, I will look at the positive things and those are: I have lost 17.5 lbs, that will never come back, I said my final good-byes to the 280s and know that it is just a matter of time to say good-bye to the 270s. My face is getting slimmer, my upper body is shrinking and so are my feet. I am also happy that I did not eat ice cream or cake and that it did not bother me at all that others were eating it.

In addition I removed the weight loss chart that hung above my scale until this morning and replaced it with the following:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

~ Kahlil Gibran ~

Thank you very much for your support and your positive words and just being there :-x

Good Days and Bad Days, today is a bad one!

2009-10-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

23 days of liquid diet and mushy food have finally come to an end and I can eat some solid food.

I am not even excited :-( I am sitting here with my coffee... no, actually it is a cappuccino, because my coffee maker broke a couple of hours ago and ruined my Its-a-new-day-lets-make-it-a-happy-day-mood.

Yesterday I started to get some pain on top of the scar by the belly button. I assume my pants agitated the area through friction. It worried me and I put some Neosporin on it and do not think that it is an infection or anything. It is already getting better today and will not call my surgeon because I will see him on Tuesday anyway. The other incisions are completely healed, they look like normal little scars and so does the bigger one by the belly button except of that little sensitive spot. I should not worry about it... I am positive that it is nothing serious.

My scale is still not on my side.. it did not move in over a week even though I have not eaten more than 1000 calories and walked up some hills for at least 20 minutes on the Elliptical trainer on a daily basis. I cut back on the exercise because I felt that I overdid it the first couple of days and got so weak that I needed afternoon-naps afterward. It defeats the purpose. That's why I will work up my exercising regiment slowly... next week I will do 30 minutes, the week after 40 minutes and so on. Once I can handle an hour without exhausting attacks I will hire a personal trainer to bring it to the next level.

So what am I going to eat today? I have no idea... I am not hungry and I have no appetite..

I thought that a new pair of shoes would cheer me up, so I went to Nordstrom.com and ordered the pair of shoes that I have been eyeballing for the last week but unfortunately it did not make a difference in my mood. I already own the same pair in different colors and materials but the glossy one is by far my favorite... so I needed to have it. (Geox Euro 26)

I have no idea why I am feeling so down today... I am sitting in my office...staring out of the window, listen to Mary J. Blige, told everyone here that I do not want to be disturbed and feel that I should just call my girl friends, invite them for lunch, drive to the beach, sit outdoors, watch people, talk about anything and call it the weekend. Yes, I think beach would make me happy... but I do not know about lunch... I have not had any solid foods yet... and nobody knows about my surgery... I am worried that Your Highness will cause me problems and embarrasses me publicly.

Mushy, liquid-ish foods do not cause any problems but once I eat something that is on the dryer side I feel restrictions... Maybe I just order soup? Baeh... but I am so sick of soups? But I guess I have no choice... beach and soup... or staring out of the window for the rest of the day?

I am off to the beach... hopefully it will turn my mood around.... Will check in with you later :-X

Scales are truly evil!

2009-10-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

When you had your psychological evaluation did they also ask you if you ever felt that you wanted to kill someone? I remember my first seminar and the hundred questions I had to answer with true or false... One of the questions was if I ever wanted to kill... and of course I answered False, because I never felt that in my entire life...

Today I felt that urge for the first time... I have a perfect victim in my life that I need to get rid of... it is standing on my bathroom floor and if I do not act it will cause me severe depression: My Scale!

I am really tempted to drive to Home Depot and to buy the biggest hammer I can find and to turn this stupid, annoying, lying scale into microscopic pieces.

Honestly, what is that scale thinking? It should know by now that I function best by positive reinforcement... when I do something really good I need a praise or a reward... if I do something bad you may be allowed to punish me... but you cannot punish me for doing good. This does not work with me.

I tried everything with that scale, I cleaned it, I moved it to different rooms and different surfaces... I hoped it would do better on the hard wood floors or another tile... upstairs, downstairs, outside, in the garage, or on carpet... but it does not seem to matter to her. She is being a real bit**!

I think she may be upset because I made her work so hard lately? Maybe I got a lazy scale? She was really good to me when I was 80lbs lighter... maybe she does not like overweight people and discriminates against me because of my weight? She is still nice to my husband so I have no choice but to think that it is personal. That may be the reason why they call them personal scales... because they take everything personal?

I really want to get rid of her... but I cannot kill her... it is not my style to butcher her up and then to clean up that mess and take into account that my husband or neighbors may send me to another psychological evaluation. On the other hand I would probably burn some extra calories and feel some therapeutical relief by letting my anger and frustration out on her. She truly deserves it!

I do not know what to do... I have to think about it a little longer and I guess I have to ignore her for a couple of days, maybe she will calm down...?

I give her one more week... if she does not change she has no choice but leave!

You heard that scale??? Yes, I was talking about you and I will soon evict you from this household if you do not change your ways with me! Now go and think about what I just told you! You may end up on some nasty smelling garbage dump or in the hands of someone that truly likes to punish you.

I have had it with you!

My band is a male... definitely!

2009-09-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

I was slapped by him... I have to admit, I provoked him, not in a bad way but like any woman I had to test my limits on how far I could go, stepped out of line only for a little bit and he let me know immediately that I better respect him or else... I did not expect such a harsh reaction just for eating my tuna salad a litte faster than instructed... After all I was not chewing on a Big Mac or was intentionally disrespecting him... but he did not care... He gave me a cold full-force reaction, definitely not the kind of reaction you would expect from a woman, only men can react so cold and heartless when provoked.

I do not know yet how it will make me feel knowing that I have a male living inside of me but I hope for the best... one thing I know for sure... it is going to be a challenging relationship.

With this guy crying or reasoning will not work, there is nothing I can do to make him give in, all my tricks will not work, I will never be able to wrap him around my finger... no matter how hard I try.

From an emotional point of view this is rather a sad and depressing outlook and not the kind of start you expect from a life-long love affair.

This is the reason why it is pretty easy, almost common sense, to call him Your Highness. I do not think that he will accept anything less but my highest respect and devotion to his will. I have no choice but to let him rule over me and to trust in his abilities.

I sure hope that he will be loyal to me, treats me good, looks out for my interests, puts smiles on my face, butterflies in my stomach and makes me feel really good... and most of all never provokes me so bad that I have no choice but to drown him in fatty-high-calorie-ice-cream-shakes!

My band yelled at me....

2009-09-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

I worked out on the Elliptical Trainer for an hour today and I wanted to give up after 5 minutes because it was so hard and I did not have a lot of energy today, but I pushed myself and once I completed the first 20 minutes it became easier and I completed the hour. Anyway... after I stretched and hydrated myself I became so hungry and weak that I thought I would faint. I prepared another tuna salad (the one I posted a couple of days ago) in record time... sat down and started eating. I guess that I was so hungry and weak that I ate faster than I was suppose to. What happened then really shocked me. After the 5th spoon I felt that pressure in my chest and out of a sudden I was soooo full. Really full! Full like eating Appetizers, Dinner and Dessert. I had no PB and I did not panic but felt like somebody just slapped me in the face and yelled at me THAT IS ENOUGH - STOP EATING. I was so disgusted with food that I had to get up and walk around. It did not make me feel any better so I went outside and took deep breaths... it did not help neither and it took almost an hour for that feeling to go away.

After I felt better I had to giggle because I was not hungry nor weak any longer... unbelievable... really... I worked out like an animal and was almost fainting out of hunger and weakness and I ate 5 small spoons of tuna salad and it filled me up like I inhaled a 4-course Thanksgiving Dinner.

I did not feel any restrictions before, remember, I did not get filled yet and all the other foods I ate never caused me any problems... they went down perfectly fine and so did the tuna salad for the past 2 days. No idea why it gave me problems today, but I did not mind at all.

I guess I just fell deeply in love with my band ;-)

On the water front I did pretty good today, I drank 7x 24-oz bottles of water, 2 teas, 3 cups of coffee and also one bottle of isopure because I missed a lot of protein by not eating the tuna salad.

For Dinner I made a Mediterranean eggplant dip and put it in the smalles cast iron casserole I own, sprinkled it with cheese, broiled it for 10 minutes and it was really delicious. I ate only about a quarter of it (size of 2 small scrambled eggs) but I could have eaten more.

Testing out my limits and willpower :-)

Recipe for the Eggplant Dip:

This makes 4 portions of eggplant dip, each portion has 80 calories (I ate 1/2 of a portion)

2 lbs eggplants, 2 lbs tomatoes, bunch of parsley, bunch of cilantro, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 lemon, 2 tbs olive oil, 1 tbs paprika, 1 tbs cumin, salt, pepper.

Clean and rinse eggplants, cut into cubes, boil for 20 minutes on medium heat in water with salt added. Skin the tomatoes, remove the core and cut into small pieces, Rinse and dry the parsley and cilantro and cut small, peal the garlic. Drain the eggplant. Heat up the oil in a pan and saute the tomatoes. Add herbs, garlic (use a garlic press), lemon juice, paprika and cumin... then add the eggplant and let everything simmer for about 20 minutes. It will turn into a paste with very little soft chunks. Normally this is eaten cold, but I like it hot just as much and it was something I was very much in the mood for today. I sprinkled it with approx. 1/3 cup of low fat cheese and broiled it for 10 minutes.

My first Mushy-Food-Day!

2009-09-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

I read on Lapbandtalk.com that many people gain weight in the mushy food phase so I tried to find a balance between foods I like, that are rich in protein, low in carbs and do not make me my gain the 16.5 lbs back that I have lost on the liquid diet *knockonwood3times*

Breakfast

1 cup Greek Style low-fat yoghurt

1/2 peach

(pureed in the blender)

194 calories / 25 g protein / 18 g carbs (16.1 net carbs) / 3 g fat

Lunch

1 boiled egg

1 can White Albacore Tuna in Water

1/2 Avocado

Juice from 1/2 lemon

spices and herbs to my liking

(mixed and mashed everything with a fork)

373 calories / 40 g protein / 18 g carbs (1.5 g net carbs) / 21 g fat

Dinner

2 scrambled eggs

1/4 cup of part-skim mozzarella cheese

275 calories / 20 g protein / 3 g carbs (3 g net carbs) / 19 g fat

Total Intake: 842 calories / 85 g protein / 28 g carbs (20.6 net carbs) / 43 g fat

Exercise:

30 minutes on the Elliptical Trainer (634 calories)

30 minutes swimming (423 calories)

15 minutes Aqua-Gymnastics (130 calories)

20 minutes sun-tanning = priceless!

Intake: 842 calories

Burned: 1187 calories

The food was delicious...I put all the spices and herbs in it that I like and tried to turn it into something delicious. I started eating with little spoons and forks but ate Dinner with a regular fork and knife. I did not feel any restrictions, ate slowly and chewed everything. Breakfast was more liquid than mushy but delicious and so much better than protein shakes.

I did 30 minutes of cardio in the morning on the Elliptical Trainer, even before I had my coffee and breakfast and started swimming in the early afternoon after lunch and after I completed the most important parts of my work. I let the sun dry my body afterward and that was the most beautiful thing of the day.

I truly hope I am not gaining weight, I am very motivated, I feel great and very satisfied.

Good luck to all my followers and readers. The Tuna-Salad was super-delicious and avocado is so much better than mayo, will definitely make it again.

Will read and comment on your blogs tomorrow, want to make a tea for me and my husband now and watch a chick-flick (poor hubby)... Need something easy that takes my mind off work, weight loss, news and politics.

Thank you to all of you! You truly help me with your support, comments and your inspirational success-stories!

I did it :-)

2009-09-25T00:43:00.000-07:00

It is 12:30 AM PST and I am officially in the mushy food stage... hold on a second... I need to dance around the computer for a moment... I am soooooo happy :-)

I am happy because I really stuck to the liquid diet for 16 days! I am proud of myself! I had some tough moments, especially when I cooked very delicious dinners for my husband, but I stayed strong and determined and did not even lick my fingers just to proof myself that I can do it. AND I DID IT!... sorry, need to dance around the computer again, brb ;-)

I lost 16.5 lbs
My feet and ankles got slimmer
My face shows lines
My ring finger got slimmer
Two weight loss "holes" appeared right below my ribcage
My teeth are whiter because the liquids gave me a constant urge to brush my theeth
I am feeling great!!!

I had to share this with you before I go to sleep... and will probably dream of my first mushy meal that I will be having for breakfast :-)

Roses are red...

2009-09-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

The best news first: The scale finally showed 279.5 this morning *GoodRiddance280s* :-)))

The follow-up appointment was fine, I finally got to see all the people that helped me so much throughout this process and until today I had only known their voices. The check-up was quick and painless... while he worked on my incisions he was answering all the questions I had and to my surprise offered me a fill for next week. He is not in next week and I did not want to settle for the assistant... Why? Well, I have an assistant, too and while assistants of great people are good ... they would not be assistants if they were as qualified as the person they are assisting, right?.... so I scheduled an appointment for October 6th to have my first fill done by my surgeon.

I made it on time for my facial appointment at the Aveda Spa. It certainly was the most relaxing time I had all month. I jumped into my robe, selected the Rose Oil for aromatherapy and to be used on my skin... and while the room was filling up with the soothing smell of roses I was laying there listening to the relaxing sounds of nature and almost fell asleep.

Back at the office it was hard to get myself back into the working mode... I really had to push myself hard to focus on work and to get Me and my weight loss out of my mind. After all that is how I make a living and in the end of the day it is a very important part of my life. But at the same time I also blame my work and my success for my weight gain... For the last years I was focusing more on my career than on myself and I have to (re-)learn to find a balance between taking work serious and taking very good care of myself simultaneously.

On my way home I stopped by Costco to buy some necessities... They were just filling up the flower section with fresh flowers and I bought myself a wonderful bouquet of red roses that are now standing on my dining room table.

The most beautiful flowers are those that I buy for myself. When I get flowers from a man they always have an additional meaning, they are either to please you, to make you forget something or to get something from you... but it is rarely about the beauty of a flower itself.

I would like to share the beauty of a rose with you and I promise I do not want anything in return from you, I want you to pick an imaginary flower from the picture above and remind yourself that you are a beautiful human being, no matter how fat, ugly or depressed you feel at times.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall....

2009-09-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

I am sooo in love with my "new" (slimmer) feet that I had to get a pedicure today... I went all the way and had the deluxe package, that included a mask, 20 minutes massage and paraffin. Feeling soooo good and spoiled.

Also made an appointment for a facial to pamper the newly-found-again lines in my face ;-) So tomorrow after I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon I will have a facial.

My favorite place for facials and doing my hair is Aveda... their products are inspired by Ayurveda (the Hindu science of longevity) and they only use ingredients that are found in nature. I swear by them. They have Aveda Salons all over the US, some do offer facials and massages, some do not. Their products and especially their services are just outstanding.

I decided that from now on I will love and cherish my body and will treat it good and most off all with respect. Only the best foods, ingredients and products. I have not felt like that in a very long time... and I am happy and grateful that I finally woke up from my Princess-Snow-White-Sleep.

Today I went on the scale and it showed 280.5 *smilefromeartoear* but I do not know yet what it will be like on Friday, I weight in on Fridays. I am looking forward to saying my final good-byes to the 280s. I have said good bye to them before, and unfortunately they came back uninvited... I really hope that my lap-band keeps them away for good! They are not invited back, ever again!

I am still thinking about a name for my lap-band. It is a difficult decision and I have yet to figure out if I have a male or a female version. I think I have to get to know it a little better before I can decide on a name... but it definitely needs to have a name. Most things in my life have a name, even the voice of my navigation system ;-)

My closet still looks like a mess, like a real mess, clothes laying around everywhere and I am still digging myself through everything in order to get an overview of all the things that I own. With all that yoyo-dieting... losing weight, gaining weight, gaining more weight, losing weight, gaining weight, gaining even more...I have clothes in way too many different sizes and most of them do not even fit, but will fit soon (the sooner, the better :-)

Did not continue with my closet-project today and did not do much except working... working... working... I am glad that I have no pain and no discomfort of any kind *knockonwood3times* Tomorrow I have my first post-operation check-up, do not know what to expect exactly but hope all will be well.

I would also like to say "hi" to my followers, makes me very happy to have friends and followers on blogger, I am reading your blogs as well and find it pretty exciting to follow your success stories.

We will do this!!!!!!! Stay positive!!!!!

Feeling like nothing ever happened!

2009-09-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

9 days since surgery have passed and I am feeling really good, I have no pain, no discomfort, no restrictions.

I can feel my port which is a little weird because I expected it to be located much deeper. I guess I will get used to it and will not feel it after a while. My incisions are healing good. I am not hungry any more and have to force myself to drink enough liquids.

My first post surgery check-up is on Tuesday.

Today I was cleaning the house, I am still re-organizing my closet and I expect it to be completed within a couple of days. I did not even know that I have so many clothes in so many different sizes (1XL to 3XL)... I guess I do not need to buy anything for some time :-)

The most amazing thing that happened today was right after I took my shower... I can see that I am losing weight!!!!! Yes, I can see it!!! *hurrray* *jumparound* *smilefromeartoear*. Okay, I can only see it on my feet and in my face. It is fascinating.... my feet are looking less "heavy" and I can see facial lines (not wrinkles) in my face, that I have not seen in a very long time. It is sooo exciting. These are the little (for me big) things that really motivate me and that is the reason why really have to share it with you.

While cleaning the house I found empty glasses, mugs, cups, etc. all over and put them in the dishwasher. I had to laugh a lot because this dishwasher has never seen so many used drinking containers ever. So I had to take a picture... to remind my self of what a liquid diet looks like ;-)

Wearing my Jeans for the first time (post-op)

2009-09-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

13 lbs truly make a difference. My jeans fit soooo much better :-) It really put a big smile on my face!

I am wearing my jeans for the first time since surgery. I kept it very comfortable for the last week and ran all my errands in sweatpants. It is something I truly appreciate in the US. In Germany you could never go in sweatpants to the bank, the store, the office. etc... and if you did everybody would give you the looks, bad looks, really bad looks. Here nobody cares... and I am loving it!

The jeans do not cause any trouble while walking or standing, but sitting is a little difficult because the button irritates the port area. Hopefully this will get better soon...

Wearing a size 20 Jeans right now and I already fit in the size 18 (yeah!!!)... but I cannot wear it until the port area is completely healed. Heal baby, heal <3

Day 8 after Surgery Stats
Pain on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 (no pain at all)
Discomfort on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 (little discomfort in the port area)
Overall Feeling: Very Good and very happy!!!

Update - Houston, we DO NOT have a problem!

2009-09-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

Called my surgeon's office and I do not need to worry :-)

I was told that everything should be okay and not to eat any jello until the solid food phase. I also asked about the bad dry heaves I had after surgery and throughout the first night. My stomach was all cramped up and it really wanted to vomit badly, but could not. She said not to worry about it neither, that it was caused by the anesthesia and as long as it disappeared all will be fine.

So I am relaxed now, will turn on some feeling-good-music and re-organize my closet.

Day 7 after Surgery Stats
Pain on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 (no pain at all)
Discomfort on a scale from 1 to 10: 2 (little discomfort in the port area)
Overall Feeling: Very Good and very happy!!!

Houston we have a problem

2009-09-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

I was looking through my handwritten notes and found the list with all the things I am allowed to have during the post-op liquid phase. It specifically states that I can have Jello and that it counts as a clear liquid. So I took a raspberry jello (the only ones I like) out of the fridge and ate it very slowly with an espresso spoon.

After I had the 5th or 6th spoon of jello I immediately felt that something was not right. I felt pressure in the stomach area and that the jello was blocked from going down. I kind of panicked and decided to drink a hot tea and that it will hopefully turn the jello into liquid again. It took around 30 minutes and the pressure disappeared.

So I looked at the information again that the dietician sent me and it states specifically NO JELLO!!!

What did I do??? What was I thinking??? I am sooo upset.... I cannot believe I could be that stupid... and the Jello was certainly soooo not worth it. I do not even like Jello that much.... grrrrr

No idea how the Jello made it on my handwritten post-op liquid list, I only wrote down information that either the insurance nurse or my Surgeon or his staff gave me. Not blaming anyone but myself. Just hope I did not ruin anything.

Day 6 after Surgery Stats

Pain on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 (no pain at all)

Discomfort on a scale from 1 to 10: 2 (little discomfort in the port area)

Overall Feeling: Very Good (physically) but very upset and depressed because of the Jello!!!

Fighting Hunger

2009-09-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

For the last two days I have been extremely hungry, even after the protein shakes and soups. Last night I could not fall asleep until 5 AM and thought a lot about hunger in the world, about wasting food, being considered morbidly obese while fellow human beings do not have anything to eat, starve day in and day out and tens of thousands die on a daily basis because of hunger.

It really saddened me, that while I was getting more and more overweight and eating rarely out of hunger I almost never thought about the human beings that simply do not have any food and are feeling real hunger on a daily basis.

So I came up with a plan.

For every pound I lose I will donate $10 to the World Food Programme.

This way I will feel even better about losing weight and can share my happiness with those that need food more than anything else.

Today I have donated my first $120 for the 12 lbs I have lost so far.

If you would like to join me with a donation >> click here <<

Every $ counts and will make difference in the fight against hunger.

1.02 billion people do not have enough to eat - more than the populations of USA, Canada and the European Union;
The number of undernourished people in the world increased by 75 million in 2007 and 40 million in 2008, largely due to higher food prices;
907 million people in developing countries alone are hungry;
Asia and the Pacific region is home to over half the world’s population and nearly two thirds of the world’s hungry peopl
More than 60 percent of chronically hungry people are women;
65 percent of the world's hungry live in only seven countries: India, China, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Pakistan and Ethiopia.
Every six seconds a child dies because of hunger and related causes;
More than 70 percent of the world's 146 million underweight children under age five years live in just 10 countries, with more than 50 per cent located in South Asia alone;
10.9 million children under five die in developing countries each year. Malnutrition and hunger-related diseases cause 60 percent of the deaths;
The cost of undernutrition to national economic development is estimated at US$20-30 billion per annum
One out of four children - roughly 146 million - in developing countries are underweight;

Source: http://www.wfp.org/hunger/stats

Day 5 after Surgery Stats
Pain on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 (no pain)
Discomfort on a scale from 1 to 10: 4 (little discomfort in the port area, very hungry)
Overall Feeling: Good and happy!!!

Getting better and better....

2009-09-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I received a phone call from the insurance nurse. She asked how surgery day was and how I felt. I have to admit really like the fact that my insurance company offers that service. She answered my questions regarding the bowel movement and she said that I had no reason to worry since I do pass gas. She said that once you are able to pass gas it shows that everything is still working and that it is not unusual to not have any bowel movements after surgery.

I guess that's how life is because after I hanged up with her I had my first bowel movement ;-)

Unfortunately I forgot to ask her about the dry heaves. After reading Dr. Ortitz's book on lapbanding I am really worried that my almost-vomitting-attacks did cause damage. I hope not, but will ask my surgeon, just to make sure that everything is okay.

I am normally a very relaxed person and do not worry about things that cannot be changed anyway, but in this case I am worried because I really want my lap-band to work and of course want to lose weight :-)

Other than that I am doing fine. I have not needed any pain medications/anti-nausea medications since Sunday morning. I can move around, get up and down easily and still do very good on the liquid diet. I am cooking for my husband every day and it really is not hard at all, I do not even have an appetite.

My husband drove me around so I could run all my errands, I went to the bank, the supermarket, the post office, met with a client to hand out some paperwork and did not feel any negative side effects. It is really going good. Did not expect to feel that good after 3 days of surgery. (KnockOnWood3Times)

Feeling sooo much better <3

2009-09-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

I am recovering very well.... took the pain medications and nausea medications this morning and have not needed any more since then.

My husband takes me for little walks, I have almost no gas pain and my incisions do not hurt at all. I had a very pleasant night, I was able to sleep on the side (my preferred position) and could get in and out of bed much easier than the nights before.

I had an Atkins Vanilla Shake for Breakfast... drank a cup of tea and followed it up with some Isopure. I do not know about other bandsters, but I have no restrictions at all, I can drink and it goes down easily, I can drink as much as I want and as fast as I want. No pain and no discomfort of any kind. I hope this is not a bad sign because I read on Lapbandtalk.com that most bandsters feel restrictions after surgery and can take in only limited amounts of liquid.

For lunch I had a Tomato Soup and also took my liquid vitamins.

I have no hunger, have to force myself to drink and "eat" but have a strong urge to brush my teeth constantly.

The only thing that worries me a little is the fact that I have not had a bowel movement since 2 days prior to surgery. It would make me feel so much better if I had one because I would know that "everything" is still working.

Recovering from nausea and dry heaves

2009-09-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

To my surprise surgery was not bad at all, the hospital and it's staff were great, they were all extremely friendly and professional. They cared and understood the worries a patient has before surgery. Most off all they really understood my phobia with needles that have to go into my veins. I thank them for that.

After I drank that apple juice in the hospital I started to get really nauseous. I have not felt that bad in a long time... It was a feeling of helplessness, it took over my entire body and I was unable to function. The anti-nausea medications did not work for me and I had to find ways to deal with it. My husband was even more worried than me, because I am normally a strong woman and I deal with things and do not whine about them. He wanted to help me so bad but I did not let him because I was unable to communicate with him. Talking made me even more nauseous so I kept it to a minimum. My husband is a wonderful man that truly loves me and for him just being there caressing my arm to relax me and help me fall asleep was more helpful than any medicine.

I had strong dry heaves. I could feel how my mouth filled up with saliva and my body gave me all the signs that vomiting was imminent.... but I could not vomit.... I was hoping I could... but I could not. I had the worst attack at 3 am... right after that I took more anti-nausea medications and also the pain medications and to my surprise they worked and I felt asleep and slept until 9 AM.

Since then I am feeling fine, I have very minor pain... a little gas pain in my left shoulder and do not have any hunger nor appetite. I take my anti-nausea and pain medications every 6 hours, read a lot, walk around in the backyard, watch tv, drink teas and nap a lot.

I would do this surgery again... it was not bad at all!

*giggle* *smilefromeartoear* I have a lap band *jump* *scream* *hugtheworld*

This is the bag they gave me right after surgery and it has been next to me ever since.

Surgery Day

2009-09-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

Got up at 6 am, showered, put a little suitcase together just in case they needed me to stay overnight. Drove with my husband to Cedars Sinai Medical Center, parked the car and admitted myself into the hospital.

I was tired, calm and ready for surgery.

We were sent to the 5th floor, where a lot of people were waiting, some patients and lots of family members. After 30 minutes my name was called, I was promised that I would see my husband again before surgery so we did not say good bye. I was then brought to a little chamber to change. I was not allowed to wear anything but the fancy robe which again only came in XL and XXXXXXXXL sizes, this time I chose the smaller one because the huge one I wore at the upper gi endocopy made me feel very uncomfortable.

After I got dressed I had to walk to the other side of the room to get weighted. The scale showed 286.5 which surprised me because I weighted myself at home that morning and I was 290.

Then I was laying on the bed for some time, nurses stopped by, asked questions, made me sign paperwork, put a clip on my finger to monitor my pulse and on the other arm a blood pressure measuring device. The anesthesiologist came, introduced himself, asked more questions, informed me about the risks that were relevant to my case and put the IV in. He really did a good job and it was not painful at all.

At that point my husband was called to join me, which made me very happy. Shortly after my surgeon Dr. Feiz arrived which made me happy too because I had to see him before surgery just to be sure that it is really him performing the surgery. When I went for my lapband seminar he unfortunately had a flat tire and arrived several hours late. While laying in that bed and getting hooked up to everything I could not stop worrying that he may have another flat tire and that some intern could perform my surgery. No idea why I worried about something so unrealistic, but it felt really good to see him and took all my fears away.

Then everything went pretty fast, the nurse came, moved my rope up and gave me a shot into my belly.... It really burned... I have no idea what it was I think something that prevents blood clotting....but that was the moment from which on I lost track of time and events.

I do not remember how I said good bye to my husband, do not remember how my bed was moved to the operating room or what an American operating room looks like. I always wanted to see one. I remember that someone asked me what "NoIdeaWhat" is called in German and that I tried very hard to say it but felt that the part of my brain where my German language is stored was already under anesthesia. I have no idea if I was really asked to say something in German, what it was and if I was able to answer or not.... and I will most likely never know.

The next thing I remember is being blinded by a very bright light and Dr. Feiz standing on the right side of my bed talking to me. He wore something red on top of his head and I tried to figure out what it was and I couldn't. I think I asked him if I had a hernia and he said yes.... But did it really happened? I do not know... It feels very surreal.

The next thing I remember is the recovering area and another person screaming in severe pain waking me up. I felt so thirsty.... Extremely thirsty and I asked the nurse for something to drink but he only came back with a little pad on a stick (the size of half a square-inch) dipped in water. I sucked all I could out of that pad but was not able to quench my thirst.

According to my husband surgery was completed around 12:30 pm, and I must have slept a lot in the recovering area because I only remember being transported to another area around 3:00 pm. My husband was allowed to join me there... We did not talk much because I was still tired and slept on and off for several hours but it made me feel very good that my husband was there, I could feel his presence. In between I was finally offered something to drink... I was so excited because my mouth was still unbelievably dry and I was sooo looking forward to a big glass of ice cold water... but when the nurse returned with a mini 1 ounce cup (the ones you get with the over the counter cough syrup) of water I was truly disappointed.

Welcome to Lapband-Land I said to my husband... and we both had to laugh which made me feel my incisions for the first time. That was the first time when I uncovered myself and looked at my incisions, not too bad, 3 very tiny incisions and one a little bigger right by my belly button.

At 5:30 the nurse told me that if I could pee I could go home... so my dearest husband wrapped me in the sheet (he is creative isnt he?) and brought me to the rest room. I did not feel any pain and I was able to pee in the designated container. The nurse was very happy with the results, told me to get dressed and made me sign paperwork that explained what I could and could not do. One point I had to sign off was that I should not sign any documents so I was confused because why did she make me sign the paperwork when I was not allowed to sign paperwork? I signed it anyway because I really wanted to go home.

She gave me a small cup of apple juice and told me that I was allowed to drink... I drank it.. which was a big mistake... I will blog about it separately when I feel better... it is time for a nap :-)

Day 1 after Surgery Stats
Pain on a scale from 1 to 10: 4 (incisions hurt and I feel like somebody beat me up from the inside)
Discomfort on a scale from 1 to 10: 8 (only want to lay down and sleep, have to force myself to go for walks)
Overall Feeling: Okay and happy that I really did it!!!

The Day before surgery

2009-09-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

I am not hungry, I am still following my clear liquid diet to the T.

Am I nervous? I don't know - not really
Excited? A little bit
Scared? Only of the IV ;-)

I just want to get it over with and I am trying not to dwell on it too much. I know everything will be fine and before I know it it will be all over.

I just had a Moroccan mint tea, sat by the pool, dipped my feet in the water and looked up in the sky and wished (not in a religious kind of way) that the lap band will really work for me, that it will really help to make me lose weight.

This is the only fear I am having, that it may not work and that is also the reason why I cannot allow myself to get too overexcited. I am a goal-setter kind of person, a risk taker, a fighter and a warrior but most off all an emotional dreamer... I will do all that is required of me to do, I will follow each and every guideline and rule to make this work. I am not looking for a quick fix, I am willing to work for it. I really am... But after all the weight loss failures I have endured over the last decade it is hard for me to still enthusiastically dream the dream of reaching my goal weight and being slim.

I want to dream the dream so badly and I know that once I lose some weight with the band I will learn to dream again and once I can dream I know that nothing will or can stop me from reaching my goal.

I do not even know anymore what I looked like and what it felt like to be slim. This is really sad and almost makes me cry because I cannot understand how I could have allowed myself to balloon into such a huge woman.

My only wish for this surgery is: Please do not disappoint me!

Clear Liquid Diet

2009-09-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

As of today I am on my clear liquid diet. It is not too bad, I am drinking lots of teas, isopure, broth and water. I even cooked lunch and dinner for my husband and it did not bother me not being able to eat.

I also like the idea of drinking teas. During my last trip to Europe I bought a lot of different teas from all over the world and I never got a chance to try all of them. I love European tea stores, unfortunately I have never found an equally good assortment in the US. Some time ago I ordered some teas online, but they were really disappointing.

So I am sitting here, drinking a glass of almond tea and I am looking forward to get banded in....39 hours... ;-)

Will keep you posted.

Did not expect to be THAT hungry.... I really am! I am starving! I wish I could at least have a protein shake or soup... but I cant :-( and I wont

I believe this is the price for over-eating without feeling hungry for years.

Upper GI Endoscopy

2009-09-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today I had to wake up at 4:30 am and I do not remember the last time that I had to get up so early. I took a quick shower, put on some make up and had my husband drive me to Beverly Hills. It was still dark outside but the sky was lit in bright orange due to the severe fires we are currently having in Los Angeles.

Traffic was really good and we arrived way to early, everything was dark and Beverly Hills seemed to be a ghost town. Even the parking garage was still closed. As we were sitting in the car and waited for the garage to open I thought about all the Dinners and Lunches I had there, about all the food and desserts that contributed to my weight gain. I wondered what dining would be like after surgery and if I will ever enjoy going for fancy Dinners again. I really like going out and enjoy Dinners with good friends. Not that I had second thoughts about surgery, I was just trying to envision what Dinners may be like... but came pretty fast to the conclusion that no Dinner can make me feel better than what being slim, fit and healthy feels like.

The longer we waited the more nervous I got...not about the Upper GI Endoscopy but the IV and specifically the needle that had to go into my veins. I am more paranoid of needles than of anything else, It has always been like this. As a child I would even run out of Doctors offices because I was so afraid and my mother had to follow me in the car to collect me. Unfortunately this fear stayed with me all my life and even though I know that it is not really painful, just the idea of having someone put a needle in my veins scares me.

When the parking garage finally opened we parked the car and took the elevator but nobody was there to open the doors. We waited and waited and waited and finally after 30 minutes a person would come and open the door. She apologized for being late, she overslept and all I could worry about was that she is hopefully not the person that will put the needle into my vein. She was not :-)

She handed me a lot of paperwork, I read everything carefully to make sure that I am not signing my life away. I did not sign the optional forms because I did not feel that I had to. Shortly after I was asked to come to the back, had to dress in one of those fancy robes. Who invented these? Honestly... I find them to be degrading...

She gave me two robes in two different sizes, I believe one was XL and the other one XXXXXXXXXL (?)... The XL did not close from the back and I was really worried to walk with exposing my behind to the entire medical staff and the other one was so extremely huge, that I could have fit in at least 3 times (and I am already 294 lbs). I choose the bigger one and wrapped it all around me. Before I opened the door I put on the funny socks, the even funnier hat and swallowed my pride and followed all orders that were given.

I had do do a pregnancy test first, which of course was negative and then I had do lay down on a bed. The anesthesiologist introduced herself to me and I right away gave her a friendly speech about my needle phobia and that I prefer baby needles and extreme caution. She promised she would take good care of me (and she did)

She put the IV needle into my right arm, it did not hurt at all but unfortunately it did not work. She became more and more nervous and instructed the nurse to hang the iv bag higher, she even became more nervous which made me more nervous. So I told her before anything goes wrong to please remove it. She removed it and inserted it into my left arm, it worked, it did not hurt and all was well.

My Doctor arrived and explained the procedure to me, I was moved into a different room and knocked out. I woke up a couple of minutes later, did not feel any pain but was extremely high, I mean HIGH, I was in a party mode, ready to go out and party all night, but it was only 8 AM and I still had to lay there for another 45 minutes until my blood pressure went up again and was released shortly after.

My Doctor talked to me after the procedure and said that I had acid reflux (did not know and had no symptoms) and showed me the pictures, which really fascinated me. I have never seen a picture of my inside before, so I asked him if I could have a copy and that I was more than happy to pay for it. Unfortunately the machine was already turned off but they had another copy that was printed on the wrong side of the photo paper, and I was allowed to keep it.

Giving Birth to my Blog

2009-08-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am getting banded on September 11, 2009. I have struggled with my weight for a very long time and remember being on my first diet in the age of 14. Throughout my teens I managed my weight well, I gained some and lost some, it all really changed when I moved to the USA in September of 1999.

I came to Miami Beach, Florida to continue my Advertising and Communications studies as an exchange student and while I knew I would graduate from FIU, I did not expect that the cost of a Masters Degree would be 80 lbs in gained weight .

I have lost the same 80 lbs 3 times in total and gained it all back and then some.

Recently I had a life-altering experience, It was just a split second, I am not sure if it was a feeling or a thought, or maybe both... but it was so intense that I will never forget it and will let its impact be a constant reminder of the purpose for the journey that lays ahead of me.

A couple of weeks ago I travelled to my native country of Germany. The overseas flight was very comfortable, I had that huge seat, enough leg room and the luxury of business class made the 11+ hour flight seem like a little vacation on its own. Little did I know then, because I had to switch flights in Frankfurt to get to the town my family lives in. Unfortunately my assistant only booked an economy class ticked for the connection flight and that was the flight that convinced me, more than ever before, that I refuse to continue to live like this.

It was a window seat, under the right circumstances I LOVE window seats... but not if you do not fit into the seat, have your neighbor eyeballing you with disgust while you squeeze yourself into the seat and you are unable to close the safety belt and have to pretend that life is just wonderful as an overweight person. I was crying inside, I have never been ashamed of myself like this ever before and I promised myself right there in that very moment that I will remind myself of this experience for as long as I am overweight and do not fit into standard European economy class seats.

9/11 is a very important day for me.

I lost my biological father on 9/11/85
I came to the USA on 9/11/99
I lived through 9/11/01 in Manhattan as a NYC resident
I was sworn in as a US Citizen on 9/11/07

All these events had a great impact on my life and have changed my life in many different ways, all these events made me the person that I am today.

And so will 9/11/09 - the day I am getting banded.

I am a very emotional human being, I always feel that I live out emotions more intense than others and that is the reason why I need a space where I can let all my emotions out. That is the reason why I want to give birth to my blog. I want this blog to be a reminder (most off all to myself) of what I felt, what I thought and what I experienced during the time I lost all the baggage that makes life so much harder and so much less enjoyable.