Lab-Band Weight Loss

VSG Weight Loss

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Do you truly believe you will reach your goal? I cannot let go of my size 18 pants!

My closet-spring-cleaning turned out to be a real project... but a project that was fun but also made me think.

I can no longer wear my size 18 pants, which made me very happy but also triggered serious fears within me.

In the past when I was still dieting... I would just put them in the back of the closet or put them in the guest room closet just to be save because you never know when you may need them again ;-)

I sadly realized today that my mind does not allow me to let go of that mental blockage that I am stuck in.

I did not have a weight problem until the age of 18, at least I was not considered overweight and was in a normal weight range. By the time I turned 23 I gained 20 pounds that I really struggled to get rid of and never did. I moved to the USA with 187 lbs and 2 years later ballooned to 250, that's when I lost 50 pounds but it did not last long, another 2 years later I was 285, lost 71 pounds with Atkins in 2004. After that I gained some and lost some. By the time we moved to L.A in 2007 I was 236 pounds, I worked out every day, started Atkins again and only lost 2 pounds in 3 months, that was very demoralizing because I did not understand why I could not lose weight and two years later I ended up at 295 (because I was so sick and tired of diets and it didn't seem to make a difference how much I worked out and how little I ate). That's when the lap-band journey began.

Now I have lost 67 pounds since being banded and the scale shows 228, which makes me very happy... BUT I am so worried that it is just a temporary kind of thing.

When I lost 71 pounds with Atkins I promised myself to never ever gain it back... that I would never allow myself to not pay attention to my weight and it still happened and a couple of years later I was at my heaviest ever.

Back to the size 18 pants... At first I wanted to pass on my clothes via the sisterhood of the traveling pants and let my pants travel from one bandster to another... I put them on a special pile to take pictures, along with some tops that are very dear to me because I find it very hard to find truly beautiful things in plus sizes but then my fears kicked in. The fear of gaining it all back... and not be able of just grabbing a larger size.

In my closet you can find clothes from size 14/XL all the way up to 20/3XL and I realized that they give me a great comfort and some kind of security because no matter how much I gain I always have something to wear no matter if it is a wedding, a party, a business meeting or just a lunch with friends. For me there is nothing more frustrating than the lack of finding the right outfit. I am sure you all know how frustrating it is to go clothes shopping and I have to admit that I regulary cry in dressing rooms because I get so frustrated with myself and my lack of willpower and commitment to my own body.

So why is it so hard for me to let go of the size 18 pants? Because it took so long (and many tears in dressing rooms) to find the perfect fit/cut? Am I subconsciously holding on to it because I think I will gain it all back? It bothers me that I cannot free myself of whatever is holding on to the size 18 pants.

I would really like to know if you can picture yourself at goal weight? Do you truly believe you will get there and stay there?

My goal is 155 pounds because it would put me at a "normal" weight range... not overweight... but normal... It seems soooooo far away that it is really hard to picture myself of getting there. I need to lose 3 more pounds and I am halfway there... but the halfway mark doesn't mean a lot when you still have 70 pounds to lose.

What's wrong with me? Is anyone having similar "issues"?


  1. I think your fears are very reasonable and very normal. But. A great big ol' huge but that's meant to put a smile on your face. If you embrace this process, you can't gain it back. It's that simple, to me. If you embrace it, then you are doing what it takes. As long as you keep this process in your embrace, you will always be doing what it takes. You WILL lose this weight. I know you will. You have been through so much and stayed on top of it. So you can do this! Let the pants go. It is too conceivable that they are a crutch of sorts and you don't need them.

    Now remind me of that when I get there. :)

    You can do this. I say that because you ARE doing this.

  2. You're not going back this time ... let them go!

  3. Oooo this was almost spooky girl reading this! Along the way I got rid of a few of the huge pants and then recently gave some to the sisterhood, but yesterday and today I have been going through my closet with DD and I've been bagging up everything that's too big to give to my Mom and one Sis. It was SO hard for me to do this...many of my pants are 'talls' which aren't easy to find and I have (now LOL) big hips and a small waist so I know how hard it is to find the right fit on things like you do. I've also been a long term yo-yoer and had everything from an 8-24/2x in my closet. Here's the spooky part...guess what I weighed this morning...155! My neighbor GF came today with some gifts and a big bag of PANTS that are now too big for her (some coincidence). I've been at goal for two months now and I'm finally getting up the nerve to let things go. As some of my long-term followers pointed out to me recently, I'm now believing that I'm never going to gain this took me a long time to get there (a hard thing for us yo-yoers who have gained it back so many times before. It's like a lot of things in this journey...hard to deal with the emotions at the time, but then it's freeing! Having no clothes in bigger sizes will be a great motivator to keep you from going back! Start with babysteps and get rid of some of the biggest ones and it will help your mind realize this is permanent.

  4. Halfway mark is huge, even if it seems like you have so far to go. When I was 60 down 60 to go it seemed rough, but now I'm close to 80 down, 40 to go and I can see the finish line.
    I mental aspect is tough because we have tried and failed before. We know the feeling of succeeding and feeling like we conquered it and then gained it all back. We just have to keep saying this is it, it's not a diet, it's my life now. Give those pants away! You won't need them again.

  5. Diets suck! I am so sure they messed me up permanently and caused me to GAIN weight. Screw Atkins and the rest of them...

    The thing is, THIS TIME IT WILL NOT COME BACK. I have never been more sure about this. So unload those 18s and get rid of EVERYTHING that is too big. Just my opinion - I love getting rid of stuff now, but the first few purges were hard.

    Good for you doing so well!

  6. I really understand, I strugled st first too. I had a pair of size 24 jeans that fit me sooo perfectly that I worse them until they ripped at the seams in the crotch. I understand the needd to hold on to clothes that make you feel beautiful when you are plus size. However you are not on a diet now... this weight loss is real, and you now have a new lifestyle. Girl you don't need those jeans anymore, your new world is going to include AMAZING SHOPPING, with a million different selections.

  7. Great post! I think this is something we all struggle with. This jouney takes a lot of work, both physically and mentally. We can do it though, and our bands will help us get to goal.

    I think the fear of failing is why I haven't lost any weight in 6 months...until now. We can do this. This time will be different. We have the band to 1) help us reach our goal and 2) help us keep the weight off.

    I think that from a mental stand point, you should get rid of any and all clothes that are too big. Let them go. Keeping them symbolizes that it's ok to not keep going with your weight loss. I got rid of everything. It was symblomatic for me and a promise that I would never go back to a size 24...EVER!

  8. Great blog! This is just SO different from Atkins, so you won't gain back. I agree, get rid of the clothes. However, if you need baby steps, get rid of the "fat" clothes but keep just one size up as you go along.

    Good luck! And major congrats on your accomplishments so far!