Do you truly believe you will reach your goal? I cannot let go of my size 18 pants!

My closet-spring-cleaning turned out to be a real project... but a project that was fun but also made me think.

I can no longer wear my size 18 pants, which made me very happy but also triggered serious fears within me.

In the past when I was still dieting... I would just put them in the back of the closet or put them in the guest room closet just to be save because you never know when you may need them again ;-)

I sadly realized today that my mind does not allow me to let go of that mental blockage that I am stuck in.

I did not have a weight problem until the age of 18, at least I was not considered overweight and was in a normal weight range. By the time I turned 23 I gained 20 pounds that I really struggled to get rid of and never did. I moved to the USA with 187 lbs and 2 years later ballooned to 250, that's when I lost 50 pounds but it did not last long, another 2 years later I was 285, lost 71 pounds with Atkins in 2004. After that I gained some and lost some. By the time we moved to L.A in 2007 I was 236 pounds, I worked out every day, started Atkins again and only lost 2 pounds in 3 months, that was very demoralizing because I did not understand why I could not lose weight and two years later I ended up at 295 (because I was so sick and tired of diets and it didn't seem to make a difference how much I worked out and how little I ate). That's when the lap-band journey began.

Now I have lost 67 pounds since being banded and the scale shows 228, which makes me very happy... BUT I am so worried that it is just a temporary kind of thing.

When I lost 71 pounds with Atkins I promised myself to never ever gain it back... that I would never allow myself to not pay attention to my weight and it still happened and a couple of years later I was at my heaviest ever.

Back to the size 18 pants... At first I wanted to pass on my clothes via the sisterhood of the traveling pants and let my pants travel from one bandster to another... I put them on a special pile to take pictures, along with some tops that are very dear to me because I find it very hard to find truly beautiful things in plus sizes but then my fears kicked in. The fear of gaining it all back... and not be able of just grabbing a larger size.

In my closet you can find clothes from size 14/XL all the way up to 20/3XL and I realized that they give me a great comfort and some kind of security because no matter how much I gain I always have something to wear no matter if it is a wedding, a party, a business meeting or just a lunch with friends. For me there is nothing more frustrating than the lack of finding the right outfit. I am sure you all know how frustrating it is to go clothes shopping and I have to admit that I regulary cry in dressing rooms because I get so frustrated with myself and my lack of willpower and commitment to my own body.

So why is it so hard for me to let go of the size 18 pants? Because it took so long (and many tears in dressing rooms) to find the perfect fit/cut? Am I subconsciously holding on to it because I think I will gain it all back? It bothers me that I cannot free myself of whatever is holding on to the size 18 pants.

I would really like to know if you can picture yourself at goal weight? Do you truly believe you will get there and stay there?

My goal is 155 pounds because it would put me at a "normal" weight range... not overweight... but normal... It seems soooooo far away that it is really hard to picture myself of getting there. I need to lose 3 more pounds and I am halfway there... but the halfway mark doesn't mean a lot when you still have 70 pounds to lose.

What's wrong with me? Is anyone having similar "issues"?

Bye-Bye 230s - Hope to never ever see you again

Good Riddance 230s... What a stubborn visitor this was... hope to never ever see you again!

I gave it my all this month... and unfortunately it did not pay off the way I expected :-(

Even though I lost 10 pounds in the month of March I was really hoping to lose a couple of more pounds to reach my Easter Goal of 225! It is highly unlikely that I will drop 4 pounds in the next 48 hours. It's okay, I am still very happy that I lost enough to say good bye to the 230s and if I can continue to lose 10 pounds a month I will be EXTREMELY happy!

I never thought that I would write anything like this... but I am no longer hungry, have no appetite and food just does not taste the way it used to taste. I am having the problem not getting enough calories in. It is not the restriction because I could eat much more if I wanted to...I have never experienced anything like this because I am a food lover and there are varieties of foods I truly love and like to eat...I wouldn't be overweight if I didn't like food, lol!

It really bothers me because I would like to eat in the 1000 calories range... So tomorrow I will have to create a meal plan and force myself to stick to it whether I like it or not.


On a different note, I had a couple of NSV this week...

#1
The most important one, I can (for the first time) see that I have lost weight. Until last week I could only see it in my face but not on my body even though I have dropped sizes in clothing and my husband and other people are pointing it out all the time... but nothing feels better when you can actually see it (and believe it) yourself!

#2
I cannot wear my wedding band any longer because it slips right off... my watch hangs on the underside of my wrist because it got too lose. No idea if I should have it adjusted or wait it out until goal weight.

#3
I am being ID'd for buying wine. Seriously! I am 35 years old, lol!

#4
My closet needs a serious "spring cleaning" Last week we had 80+ degrees and I had to work my way through at least 10 summer tops to finally find one that actually fits.

Other than that I am still extremely busy with work... this weekend I will do some serious spring-cleaning and if time permits plant my veggie and fruit seedlings in my garden.

Will check in with you soon. Bonnie and Band Groupie...Thanks for asking for me and I am truly sorry that I could not respond sooner.

My Easter Challenge

I really need a Challenge... an aggressive one! Those challenges always lift my spirit and get me motivated.

So I decided to set an aggressive goal for Easter:

I want to be at 225 on Easter Sunday... that's 13 pounds to lose during the next 4 weeks and 2 days!

Did anyone of you guys set an Easter Goal? Let me know so I can watch your progress!

Okay, I have no time to waste ;-) I am off to the gym! After that I will cook my favorite salmon, lemon, tomatoes and onions oven dish, will order in a chick-flick (poor hubby) and drink gallons of Moroccan Mint Tea.

It's really coldish in L.A. and even tough I enjoy the comfort of the inside I can't wait for the baking hot temperatures to arrive!

Have a great weekend and Happy Losing!

This is sick - Unbelievable how far some greedy Surgeons go and put lap-band patients in danger

Lap-band promoters' troubled history - latimes.com

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Bye bye 240s - Hello 230s... have not seen you in a while

Glad to see you again 230s.... have not seen you in a couple of years :-) And when I met you last time you left way too quickly ;-) Hopefully you won't stay too long neither but this time you'll be replaced with the 220s not with the 240s! Yeah!

Guys, you have NO IDEA how thankful I am for my great restriction. My surgeon put my right back to my sweet spot and I am back in the weight-losing-mode. 2 more pounds to go and I will reach the 60 pounds mark :-)))

It feels good to have a real restriction because it not only restricts me from eating too much but it also removes craving for certain foods. Food is the last thing on my mind, yesterday I realized at 3 pm that I did not eat anything all day... not good and will not happen again, I promise! At 3 pm I ate some high-fiber Kashi Cereal with low fat greek yoghurt (actually breakfast) and for Dinner I had filet of sole and some spinach. I am drinking a lot of water and also had a bottle of Isopure to make sure I get enough protein and of course took my vitamins. I take 1000mg of Vitamin C (normally take 500mg), a Multi Vitamin, B-100s and Omega Gummy Bears.

On a different note;
Today my seeds arrived and I cannot wait to get my vegetable garden started. I've decided I want to try out gardening and to harvest my own veggies (hopefully). I ordered organic seeds from an online store and will try my luck with tomatoes, eggplants, peppers (hot and sweet), zucchini, broccoli, melons, potatoes and all kinds of herbs and mint. Not so sure if I have a green thumb... but time will tell ;-) To be on the save side I also ordered a book about square foot gardening and a book that explains everything in detail. Cannot wait to get it started.  Will keep you updated on my little gardening project.

Thanks for your warm welcome-back messages. I am soooo glad to be back and really need my blog and you guys through this journey.

***Hugs****

Infection healed, Port back, happy and healthy again :-)

Hi @all,

Did you miss me? ;-) I surly missed you guys :-)
I am truly sorry for not blogging in such a long time. Unfortunately I was/am so busy with work that blogging was just not possible. At any rate... I am back :-) and I am happy to be back :-)

Here are the news:
Due to an infection I had my port removed on 11/20/2009 and I am happy to say that my infection has healed and I no longer have any problems or pain. It took a little while to get an appointment at Cedars Sinai to get my port back. From what I have learned December is a very busy month and I only got my port back on January 15th 2010. It felt like I was waiting for forever to get a surgery date. This was the best surgery out of all 3, everything went very well and even though they had to put me under general anesthesia I did not get sick, had no gas pain and no other pain at all *knockonwood*

When I got the port back I lost all my restriction :-( This was very bad and I have done some very bad things. Nor sure if I should tell you a little food porn but the worst thing was when I ate an entire Costco bag (those bags are HUGE, meant for 5 families or so) of potato chips on a weekend.

Am I bad or what? :-D But I am glad it happened, not the infection of course, but my mega-5-families-super-sized-bag-of-potato-chips-experience because I came to realize that I am sick, sick when it comes to food and that I have no will power to say "no" or to stop eating when I actually should not be eating. Lap-band surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I did not gain any weight though because other than a couple of moments of weakness I did okay, even without restriction. However, I was stuck at 246 for many weeks. Once I lost my "sweet spot"it got more and more difficult. "You only know what you had when you lose it" is soo true!

On February 2nd I got my first fill since I got the port back and the restriction only lasted a couple of days. On Tuesday, February 23rd I went for another fill and I am feeling GREAT! My restriction is right there where it was before I got the infection and I am very motivated again. I hope it stays there if not I will get another fill. At this point I have no more time to waste ;-)

When it comes to my weight loss:
9/11-09   Starting Weight 295
11/20/09 Port Removal Surgery Weight 259 (lost 36 pounds)
1/15/10   Port-back Surgery Weight 246 (lost 49 pounds)
Today:    240 pounds (total loss of 55 pounds)

Yes, the infection was a little set-back for me. I had to work much harder to still lose weight because the restriction I had (without the port) was not sweet-spot-restriction but I am still happy that I continued to lose weight and most of all did not gain any.

I am also glad that this all lays behind me. I tried to avoid thinking about it too much and that was probably also a reason why I avoided lapbandtalk and blogger.

Hopefully by tomorrow I can say FINALLY good-bye to the 240s and my goal for March is to say my final good-byes to the 230s.

I am happy, healthy and I loooooooooove my lap-band :-)

Now that the infection and recovery from it lays behind me... I would still do it again! Even with the infection and all... the lap-band is sooooo worth it.

I hope all of you are doing great and I can't wait to read your blogs and let them inspire me.

Thanks for all your support and last but not least I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2010 ;-)

I want my port back :-(

I have not posted for a while because I have been extremely busy with work and all the Holiday stuff. During the last couple of weeks my Christmas packages from friends and family in Europe arrived and they were all stuffed to the brim with cookies, marzipan and gingerbread (and books and DVDs and gifts for Christmas). Very bad! This is really the stuff that gets to me because it is not just candy... it's what childhood memories taste like. I have been hiding it all around the house and so far have been doing good.

Unfortunately I do not have much of a restriction left and have to rely on willpower. All those European Christmas Goodies around the house do not make it any easier. I normally do not buy those foods because if I do not have them at home I do not eat them nor crave them.

Yesterday we had friends over and had a wonderful BBQ... after Dinner I served a lot of the European Goodies with Tea and I am glad that everyone really liked it and ate a lot :-)

I have no idea when my port will be put back... this year? next year? It seems to be difficult for my surgeon's office to get an appointment from the hospital. We actually planned on flying to NYC next week to spend the holidays with my in-laws and I have no idea if I should cancel the flights or not. Nobody can give me any answers which frustrates me even more. I really need a fill soon and I am getting more and more frustrated with all of this. This is the wrong time of the year to be without a restriction and it saddens me that the entire infection-issue has somewhat killed my motivation...

Last week I said good-bye to the 250 and the scale displayed 249 (46 pounds lost), which made me very happy... however it wasn't a final good bye because today the scale showed 251 again :-(

I WANT MY PORT BACK!!! I WANT A FILL!!! AND I WANT MY MOTIVATION BACK!!! HELP!!!