Back home from Vacation and a bunch of None-Scale-Victories

I do not even know where to begin.. because I had such a wonderful time in Europe, lived each day to the fullest and didn't think about my band at all.
It was the first time since being banded that I (almost) forgot that I have one except for the moments when I got stuck... I stepped on my parents scale once I arrived and yesterday morning before I left, and to my surprise I lost a Kilo (2.2 pounds) which I did not expect because I just ate what felt right and didn't think about calories or exercise at all. I just lived life like a regular person and it felt great and kind of liberating. I visited so many friends and family and it was always about food. Brunches, Lunches, Coffee, Dinners, etc. I did not feel deprived of anything and ate whatever I wanted (just very small portions) and avoided slider foods but drank approx. 2-3 glasses of wine a day which I usually do not do. I never felt the need to stuff myself or had to wait for the band to stop me... I just knew what was right and when to stop. I got stuck on two occasions... one was at a Spanish Tapas bar when I got stuck on Dates and the other time on a baked potato with smoked salmon, no idea why it happened because I didn't do anything different)

The flights were great, I didn't feel anything different except when the plane decreased the altitude. I think that maybe the cabin pressure changed during that process but it didn't bother me that much, however I could not eat that super-delicious European breakfast they served on my way to Eruope and my coffee got stuck so bad that I had to let it out. Other than that... no problems whatsoever... I was able to eat from all the other meals (they serve several ones on a 12 hour flight) For the first 2 days I was a little tighter than usual but I am not sure if it was flight related or had to do with my period. And since I only returned last night I have not eaten anything as of yet (still jetlaging) but will definitely let you know if I'll feel anything different.

As you may remember I was a little worried of how my people over there would react to my weight loss and I am happy to report that they were sooooo happy for me and I heard nothing but beautiful things. Some people were more shocked than others but all agreed that I look great and congratulated me on my weight loss. My uncle even told me to stop dieting because I am getting too skinny... I've never heard anyone saying that and it made me laugh because it felt so surreal.

I could fill pages of all the great things I have done and what a wonderful time I had and how much I enjoyed the "European Things" such as going to Beer gardens, sitting in Street-Corner-Cafes and going to "Fests" with Live Music, etc. and how great it was to spend quality time with those I truly love (and vice versa)

U2 was giving a concert in my home town last Thursday and I even got tickets and enjoyed a wonderful concert with my little baby brother. I love Bono <3

The 2 weeks flew by so fast and I did so many things and met so many people that it will take a couple of days to reflect on everything.

But I already reflected on the None-Scale-Victories :-)))

- In the airplanes there was a whole lot of seat left... no seat belt problems of any kind and for the first time I didn't feel "heavy" even though I am still kind of "heavy"
- I don't think anyone realized that I had WLS and it was absolutely okay to eat out and I focused on appetizers (I love Italian and Greek appetizers) and Tapas at Spanish Restaurants... I only ordered foods that I like but also had a high nutritional value (nothing fried and always some kind of protein with veggies). I even had ice cream and cakes here and there, but never the portions I would eat prior to banding and always shared it with others (which is by the way a wonderful thing to do... I totally enjoyed sharing a dessert with others) I did not feel deprived of anything and it was the first time EVER that I lost 2 pounds on a vacation :-)))))
- I felt physically fit and was up to a lot of things that I could have never done a year ago... like enjoying a 6-mile leisure walk around a lake just for the heck of it with no purpose and not to "exercise" but just to go for a walk and to enjoy nature.
- I received a lot of attention from men and if I were single I think some of them were the kind of men I would allow to invite me for coffee ;-) but at the same time it felt kind of awkward because my mind didn't allow me to enjoy the attention since my mind is still telling me that I am fat = ugly! and it made me feel uncomfortable. Difficult to explain but true.
- The day before I traveled I bought 2 GAP Jeans in size 14 because they had a sale going (Buy one get one for $20) and I had to return them because they were a little lose... YESSS!!!! *Smile* I can wear a tight size 12 now :-)))))
- I always used to wear a 39.5 Shoe Size (European Size) and my feet shrank to a size 38.5 which totally annoyed the sales person since she had to run back and forth what felt like a gazillion times.
- I bought 2 pairs of high heels... and the most important thing is that I can walk in it and they truly look great. Can't wait to wear them <3


I am sure that there is much more I could add but those are the most important ones since they are completely new and really put a smile on my face.

There is one more thing I want to add.

I was always wondering what life with the band would be like when I encounter situations that include a lot of food and the joy of food... like going to Europe and to sit in front of a plate of edible childhood memories... or passing by the most delicious Ice Cream (for me Pistachio) Stand, etc. but I realized that I am healed... I am truly healed from eating large amounts of food no matter if they are good foods or bad foods... they do not taste better just because I eat more of them... and a little bite or two is all I need to get my fix. This is totally wonderful.

I still have 30-40 pounds to lose and for the next couple of months I will give it my all... I will run off to the finish line and I am looking forward to maintenance because I really know that I can totally do this...  and that I will never ever allow myself to be obese again.

I hope all of you are doing great... I am a totally bad blogger lately.... *Sorry* but I promise that I will blog and leave comments once I am fully back... right now it feels that my body is in L.A. but my brain is still somewhere in Europe.

But it surely feels good to be home again and to enjoy the SoCal heat <3

****HUGS*****

PS: I have not updated my weight loss ticker and will do so Friday.

Needed a small un-fill yesterday....

When I got the fill 7 weeks ago I was extremely tight, stayed on liquids for a week or 10 days and it loosened up by itself to what I consider to be my sweet spot.

Just before the weekend it got tight again... and on Monday it got so tight that I could not even drink a shake, could not eat dinner but was able to eat a small sample size of Pretzel M&Ms (maybe 7 M&Ms in it) at midnight. I do not even know why I ate them because they were so not worth it... While shopping I was donating $20 for abused/battered women and the lady was giving away those free mini-size M&Ms, which I declined to take but she was so pushy that I eventually took it. Anyway, I woke up 3 times that night and had bad acid reflux and woke up because I had blue/green colored liquid in my mouth (from the M&Ms that I ate several hours earlier). Then in the morning even my hot coffee would not go down sitting in my pouch for about an hour.

At first I didn't want to go for an unfill, but my husband really convinced me and now I am sooo glad that I did. Feeling sooooo much better. :-)

I can tell that I still have restriction because I just had a very liquidish pureed split pea soup (have to stay on liquids for at least 3 days) and I know that it is still in my pouch. Hopefully it will be just perfect by the time I can have real food again. And I really like to eat real food. I make much better food choices, that truly satisfy me instead of resorting to slider foods because nothing else goes down.

Last weekend we had a friend staying with us, that I have not seen since around Christmas... he was really shocked to see me and later asked my husband privately if I was sick or something because I've lost so much weight. Once he knew that I am fine he couldn't stop talking about how much weight I have lost, which was really funny, because it felt genuine. He brought some Pakistani Food (that was so extremely delicious btw) and I found the perfect excuse to explain my new eating habits. "It's all about portion control... I am eating very small portions but eat them so slowly that I can get real satisfaction out of it". I did really well... I don't think that anything looked weird or raised any questions or suspicions, even though I chewed what felt like a 100 times ;-)

I do not mind talking about the band with strangers and tell overweight people how great the lapband is and how it saved my life ... but under no circumstances do I want this to be known within my inner circles. 

I am not blogging a lot lately because I do not even know what to blog about... on the weight loss front all is going well. On Friday I was 98 pounds down and I am anticipating Friday to (hopefully) celebrate my 100 lb loss.

It still feels weird. I know I have lost a lot of weight and there are moments when I feel "small" and when I look in the mirror I see MY face that I have not seen in a long time. I am a true 14 bottoms and wear XL tops, which is great because I can shop in all the "regular' stores... but I also have a lot of fat days...

In 2 weeks I will be flying to Europe... really looking forward to see my parents, brothers, grandmas and my very best friends, to be spoiled in "Hotel Mama" and do all the European things that I can't do here.

I am sure I will blog before I leave and if not I will definitely post some pictures from my little vacation.

Hope all are doing well and losing weight.... can't wait to read your blogs and follow up with all of you.

ONEderland :-)

What a ONEderful day :-)

I have finally reached ONEderland... and it truly feels ONEderful! I stepped on the scale at least 20 times to look at that ONE and I am sure by the end of the day I will have stepped on the scale at least 50 times ;-)

Not even a year ago It seemed sooooo far away, almost impossible for me to reach... and now here it is! Right there on my scale: 199.5

What is even more facinating is that I bought 2 pair of Gap Jeans on May, 25th. One in size 16 that fit perfectly at that time and a size 14, that did not fit at all. In fact I could not even get into it....

Yesterday I tried it on and it fit... :-)

Restriction-wise I am doing okay... there are days when I am extremely tight and other days when I could eat more than I should, but somehow my mind really adjusted to the new portion sizes and as long as I am not hungry I am fine. I am not counting any calories any longer and do not wear my GoWear Fit device neither. As long as I am losing I am fine, but still find these tools extremely helpful when the weight loss does stall.

The other day I was craving Chinese food and looked (for the first time ever) at the nutritional facts of Panda Express. Their Kung Pao Chicken has 300 calories and 19g of Protein (without the chow mein or rice). Very band friendly. I ordered a Panda Bowl but it was still too big, so next time I'll order from the Children Menu.

I am now 4.5 lb way from 100 lb lost and 9.5 lb away from being overweight (and no longer obese)

The closer I get to goal to more exciting this journey gets.

Sorry for not blogging and not leaving any comments for the last couple of weeks. I've been so busy with work that I just didn't have the time.

I'll be catching up with your blogs over the weekend and look forward to read how everyone is doing. I hope all are doing fine.

9 Months Bandiversary - Bye-Bye 210's

9 months ago at this time I was having surgery... wow... time passed by soo fast... and now looking at it from that angle it is unbelievable that I have lost 85.5 lb since then.

Weightlosswise my expectations are definitely exceeded and I never expected to be flirting with ONEderland at this time especially because of the infection and port removal surgery and all. I guess the most important lesson I've learned along this journey is... no matter how hard you fall you can always get up again and run off to the finish line. And there is nothing that can stop me now! I want to see that freaking 199 on my scale and want and will reach my goal of 155!

It was so frustrating to look at that ticker and see 140 lb to lose.... and it feels really really good that this 140 turned into a 54.5! It is getting smaller and smaller and so am I!

My mind still cannot accept my weight loss... I have many fat days, and I have them more often than I had them at 295. I hate my legs and I am anticipating that day when I can truly see that my legs are getting thinner. Of course I am feeling sooo much better and I am not afraid to wear a bikini in my private backyard and jump in the pool... something I didn't do last year because I was so afraid that a neighbor could see me. A lot of those fears are subsiding, which is a very good thing, because I am feeling so much more alive and free.

What I did not expect was, that this lap-band journey would still be such hard work because for every pound I lose I have to work really hard for. It was very different in the beginning of my journey... I lost almost effortless. When I read other blogs it seems that it may be different for other bandsters but for me it involves a great deal of calorie deficit counting and keeping a close eye on my daily food intake and especially exercise. And the quality of food was not really my problem... it was the quantity!

But it is okay. It doesn't bother me that much because I know that it will be the last time I've ever have to do this and as long as the weight is coming off I do not care how much I have to pay attention.

I thank all of you that have commented on that post deeply for your positive thoughts, advice and input! I <3 you for supporting me!

Happy Weekend!

No more Ws - The best NSV so far!

Yesterday I passed by the Gap and I still do not know what made me go inside, because I never ever expected to fit into "Misses" Size Jeans.

I am was all about the W's (W16s an W14s).

I was totally helpless and insecure in that store...somehow those little sizes intimidate me. Will blog about this in more detail at a later time.

At any rate... I walked out of the Gap with my blue plastic bag and inside were a size 16 and a size 14 Jeans in Misses Size (no W!!!) The size 16 fits perfectly... the size 14 does not fit as of yet, but I need something to check my progress with so I bought it anyway!

Not even a huge Louis Vuitton or Gucci Bag made me ever feel so proud like that little blue Gap Bag (with Misses Sizes inside)

Cannot remember that I ever felt so "Missy" <3

Will keep the bag as a reminder... never expected it to make me feel THAT good!

PS: @ CurvasPeligrosas! Welcome to Lap-Band Land and I am happy to hear that you will have the procedure with the same surgeon as I had. He is great, I love him and I am so glad that I had the surgery done by him. Unfortunately I do not know if you will need another Endoscopy or if he can work with the Upper GI that you already had. It is listed as a requirement on the pre-op checklist and I also believe that my insurance required it. The best thing to do would be to call up the Beverly Hills office and ask them.  They will know for sure. If you have any questions regarding Dr. Feiz or the procedure you may also email me at stardusticsjourney at gmail.com Best of luck on your journey! It's the best thing I have ever done for myself. I will also follow your blog and your journey.

Bye-Bye 220's lb and Bye-Bye 100 kg - Finally Second Mini Goal!

This one was sooo important to me! Whew! Finally!

The scale finally displayed 219.7 this morning... and immediately I had to switch my scale to the metric system to see that I am less than 100 kg!

That's the reason why my second mini goal was 220 lb and I am feeling soooo good about it. Anything above 100kg sounds horrible. It also just hit me that I have lost 75.3 lb since September 2009... and that it is a lot of weight!

I don't even know what to blog about because I am so damn happy that I guess I have to dance around my computer for a while and digest the good news.

Wishing every one a Happy Weekend and all Mom's a wonderful Mother's Day!

70 down - half way there - and NSVs

My scale turned out to be my friend after all. This morning I stepped on it at least 10 times to make sure it really said 224.5

I am sooo relived I broke that annoying plateau and see the scale moving!

70.5 down... and I have now less to lose than I've already lost... 69.5 to go!


I also experienced a couple of NSV yesterday... I was trying on all kinds of clothes and proudly showed my husband "Remember? I wore it on Grandma's 90th Birthday" or "Wanna marry me again?" Because I fit into the dress I wore when we got married (not a Wedding dress, because we never really had a Wedding, just had a small ceremony in City Hall)... "Wanna go to Paris?" because I fit into a Winter Outfit that I bought and only wore once when we vacationed in Paris and never fit into it after that because that's when the Atkins diet ended and I slowly gained my weight back...

My husband was really fascinated... truly fascinated and did not say it just to make me happy, it felt very sincere when he said "I am so excited to be your husband" "You are truly beautiful and I can't wait so see the cookie inside of you that you have been hiding for all these year" and "that I look sexy".

It made me sooo happy to hear him say that... He is my biggest cheerleader and I love him with every fiber of my being. He never complained about my weight and still made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

None of my diets ever brought me below the 200 mark... The closest I got was 214 and since it was not too long ago I still remember how it felt like... I can't wait to get below the 214 mark and experience a whole new me that was lost in all that flubber for so many years. I am pretty excited today, because for the first time I really believe that I will make it happen and it makes me very emotional because I had buried that dream or the wish to be "normal" and accepted somehow to be "big" for the rest of my life.

Then there was my most favorite red top... a top that I cherished and loved because it has a cut that hid my weight very good and no matter what the occasion was I could wear it. It was my life-saver on many occasion. If nothing else worked, I always had my red top. Well, the "red top" found it's place next to the size 20 jeans... that I will never ever wear again.. but will be a reminder of where I come from (and where I never ever want to be at).

I am at a point where I really feel the weight loss, where I see the physical changes and where I cannot believe how small my upper body became. When I look in the mirror... I start to see ME! It brings tears to my eyes just typing it... because it really hit me yesterday that the weight will be lost... that I have a huge fire burning within me that will make it happen... it will happen... no matter how long it takes!

I am so excited to get to know "ME" again and I wonder what it will feel like to be "normal" I still have long way to go... but I will get there... step by step... one day at a time... !

Thanks for reading and I am soo thankful that I  have all of you to share my feelings and experiences with. It really means a lot to me.

Lalalalalala - broke the plateau - Lalalalalalalala *dance around the computer*

I am sooooo happy and relieved... after I lost 0.9 lb yesterday today the scale dropped another lb.... lalalalala and I no longer have to look at 228-231....

I am at 226.1 now :-) and have lost a total of 68.9 lb

This totally made my week!

Here are my statistics from yesterday (click to enlarge)

What does your fat feel like?

:-D I have never had a chance to ask anyone that is losing weight and since there are so many of us I would really like to know if you are feeling the same.

When I was laying in my bed last night I felt that all my "fat" feels very different... kinda like Jello or Cotton Balls... very very soft, liquidish, weird... especially on my belly and hips...

Only a couple of weeks ago it felt much more "solid"... I let my husband touch it and he could not believe how funny it felt.

Do you feel the same? I hope it is a good sign :-D

In regards to my post from yesterday and the "Starvation Mode Myth" I would like to add, that of course everyone has to do what works best for each individual. If it works for you to eat more calories and it speeds up your metabolism, good for you! Unfortunately it does not work for me :-( And since I am wearing the GoWear Fit device I can monitor my metabolic rate very closely... the calorie/food intake does not speed up or slow down the rate for me. The only thing that speeds it up or slows it down is my work out routine (or the lack thereof).

I am just so frustrated with that stupid plateau that I am trying to find ways to get the weight loss going again... eating more food/calories had the opposite effect for me... unfortunately... don't get me wrong, if a piece of chocolate could speed up my weight loss I would be more than pleased ;-)

Will keep you informed. At least the scale moved 0.9 lb this morning and hopefully it will move down instead of bouncing back up again. GRRRRR

Wishing all of you a wonderful week and many SVs and NSVs!

@Marie: What do you mean by Chicago? Did I miss anything? Please fill me in!

Here are my statistics from yesterday 4/24/10 (click to enlarge)

Starvation Mode Myth, Protein and Water

It is time to remind myself of the facts. Yesterday I received a very well-meant comment that suggested to increase my calorie intake. I know the person means well and I truly appreciate it. I really do! I have been misguided by the "starvation mode" theory for a long time... but in the end it has no scientific proof and is considered a "myth"

That's why it is important to remember the fact that we can't lose more weight by eating more calories/food.

It doesn't work that way!

Now, in regard to the "starvation" mode, someone who has extra body weight and body fat is not in any "starvation mode" where they need to 'kick start" their metabolism by eating more calories. You can not "eat more" calories to force your body to "lose weight".  
In regard to metabolism, if you are overweight/overfat, you can not cause your metabolism to decrease below a level needed to lose weight while you have extra weight/fat on you, and you can not "lose more weight by eating more calories/food." This is a misunderstanding of the principles of metabolism that does not apply to overweight people trying to lose weight.
Let's say we look at someone who says they are only eating only 800 calories and not losing weight.  A well meaning and good intentioned friend (or professional) has told them they are in starvation mode and in order to lose weight and/or kick-start their metabolism, they need to eat more.    But, what if instead of eating more, what do you think would happen if instead they just stopped eating altogether?Would they go further into starvation mode and continue to stay at the same weight or maybe even "gain" weight? 

Clearly, they would lose more weight if they stopped eating altogether.
We all know (especially those who are familiar with fasting) that if you were to stop eating completely and just live on pure water, you would start to lose weight almost instantly and would continue to do so.  
But according to this theory of the "starvation mode," if you were really in it and you fasted, by its own rational you would lose less weight if any at all, not more. We know this is not accurate.

http://www.healthscience.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=512:are-you-in-the-starvation-mode-or-starving-for-truth&catid=102:jeff-novicks-blog&Itemid=267

The idea that "not eating enough" causes the body to stop losing weight because it goes into "starvation mode" is a popular myth among dieters.
Restricting calories during weight loss lowers metabolism¹ because the body becomes more efficient, requiring fewer calories to perform the necessary daily functions for survival. Consequently, this can slow (but not stop) the anticipated rate of weight loss.

For example, if an individual needs 2,000 calories per day to maintain weight, reducing intake to 1,500 calories, assuming exercise stays the same, should provide a 1 pound per week weight loss (Note: 1 pound of weight is equivalent to about 3,500 calories). Furthermore, reducing to 1,000 calories should result in a weight loss of 2 pounds per week and going down to 500 calories a day should result in a weight loss of 3 pounds per week. However, if an individual actually reduces their intake to 500 calories, the weight loss would not likely be a steady 3 pounds per week because of the reduced metabolic rate. It would likely be around 2¼ to 2½ pounds. This "lower than expected" rate of weight loss is a lot different than "no" weight loss as the "starvation mode" notion proposes.

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=35501

There are many more interesting articles on the "starvation mode myth"
http://caloriecount.about.com/truth-starvation-mode-ft28742
http://fattyfightsback.blogspot.com/2009/03/mtyhbusters-starvation-mode.html (This one is written by someone that also had WLS)

Now, to apply all of this to myself...

I am actually very happy that I can eat less than 1000 calories... this would never be possible without the band because I would be cranky and starving and miserable all day long. Now I can eat less than 1000 calories and I feel great, satisfied, I am full of energy and I have many happy moments because I am feeling well. And on top of that I have enough energy to work out every day and get even more energy out of it instead of feeling like "I need a nap".

I am not saying to stop eating, but there is nothing wrong with watching calories and to create a calorie deficit that will make us lose weight faster. I am not at a point where 1 pound a week satisfies me... I want to lose at least 2 pounds a week! 2.5 pounds would be even better! And I am willing to work for it!

No matter how much we hate the fact that 3500 calories equal one 1 pound....  it is still a fact and I know by paying close attention to my calorie deficit I will drop that 30 pounds to reach ONEderland.

Do I plan on counting calories for eternity? Hell, no! But when times get tough and weight loss slows down it is very helpful to evaluate the calorie intake.

I got to a point where I seriously asked myself... "Why did I get the band" and the answer is simple, because I am sick and tired of being fat, overweight, chubby or whatever you want to call it. I refuse to live like this and it is up to me to make it happen.

And I will make it happen! 

Thanks for reading, I really had to get this off my chest and I need everyone to remember that the "Starvation Mode theory" is not a scientific fact! So please do not eat more calories just because you are afraid to stop losing weight.



@Barbara, Thanks for your comment! I have to agree with you, protein is very important. I always aim for at least 80g of protein per day. I usually drink a shake with 2 scoops of protein powder (23 g of protein each), soy milk, fresh or frozen berries and some flax seed in the morning and that adds up to 50 g of protein. I can't eat solids in the mornings but breakfast is important. If I do not drink a shake I eat oatmeal or kashi high protein/high fiber cereal but then I would also drink a bottle of isopure (40g of Protein) to make up for the protein.

Lunch is either something like egg or tuna with salad greens and herbs and dinner fish/chicken/beef with veggies. I rarely drop below 80g of protein per day. On most days I consume more than 80g.

And in regards to water... I drink between 4-5 Liters of Water each day, 3-4 (large cups) of coffee during the day and 2-3 (large cups) of green or herbal tea at night.

So and now I got myself all greedy for more weight loss and will jump on my elleptical trainer and burn me some more calories.

No idea what is causing the plateau... but I will break it... I will not give up!

And here are my GoWear Fit statistics for yesterday! (click to enlarge)

Happy Weekend to all of you!

Not losing...

It is frustrating... I am stuck between 227 and 231 for the last 4 weeks and no matter what I do the scale is not moving. And if it is moving it is moving right back up a day later.

I really need to lose that 30 pounds to reach ONEderland. For my own sanity :-D. If it slows down after that so be it, but don't let me be stuck between 227 and 231.

Enough whining... So in order to jump-start the entire losing process I am now wearing my Gowear fit device again and monitor exactly how many calories I am burning and record every single piece of "anything" that enters my body. Mainly to find the perfect calorie deficit.

My restriction is fine, I am not hungry between meals and do perfectly fine with 800-1000 calories per day. Yesterday I only consumed 641 which is on the very low side. I am not really doing anything different than in October/November when I was losing approx. 3 pounds a week. It bothers me a lot that I am not losing.

For the next couple of days/weeks I will post my Gowear Fit statistics because I find them to be extremely helpful to look at at a later time. This may not be my last plateau and I need to find out what works best for me in order to lose consistently and break plateaus.

I know I am not the only one that is "stuck"... and I just wanted to let you all know that I am right here with you... and that I understand your frustration.

April 22, 2010 Statistics (click to enlarge)

I've had it with you!

Look at you fat cells... Your looks are so deceiving... You look all innocent and nobody would expect you to cause so much pain and suffering to so many women world wide.

I hate you and believe me I do not use these words lightly... but  I cannot remember anything good that came out of you ever since you invaded my body about 10 years ago.

There is nothing I enjoy about you! Nothing!

You want to know why?

Because I have tried anything and everything with you... I tried to sweat you out on the treadmill, worked out with scary tattoo freaks in smelly gyms, you did not care how high my heart rate rose by climbing up seriously steep hills on the elliptical trainer, how much I sweated, how many muscles I built and most of all... you did not care how much I starved.

To make matters worse all you ever gave me was a nasty attitude.
Yes, you heard me... you have a bad freaking attitude! You ignored all my attempts to purge you and instead of shrinking or relocating I heard you giggling in my thighs!

I know that from a medical point of view I need some of you... SOME... and somehow you must have missed that part!

If I ever find out which one of you little jerks decided that it is okay to invite all your friends to party within my body there will be serious trouble.

You are lucky that you are small in size, otherwise I would just crush you and rid you out one by one... but your day will come... make no mistake about it.... I will continue my journey with the help of "Your Highness" and you will have no choice but to shrink... Sooner or later I will pee out your "soul" and you will for eternity rod within the Los Angeles canalization system and never ever have the chance to make anyone's life as miserable as you made mine.

This is not a threat! This is a promise!

Consider this letter to be your permanent eviction notice. I've had it with you!

Do you truly believe you will reach your goal? I cannot let go of my size 18 pants!

My closet-spring-cleaning turned out to be a real project... but a project that was fun but also made me think.

I can no longer wear my size 18 pants, which made me very happy but also triggered serious fears within me.

In the past when I was still dieting... I would just put them in the back of the closet or put them in the guest room closet just to be save because you never know when you may need them again ;-)

I sadly realized today that my mind does not allow me to let go of that mental blockage that I am stuck in.

I did not have a weight problem until the age of 18, at least I was not considered overweight and was in a normal weight range. By the time I turned 23 I gained 20 pounds that I really struggled to get rid of and never did. I moved to the USA with 187 lbs and 2 years later ballooned to 250, that's when I lost 50 pounds but it did not last long, another 2 years later I was 285, lost 71 pounds with Atkins in 2004. After that I gained some and lost some. By the time we moved to L.A in 2007 I was 236 pounds, I worked out every day, started Atkins again and only lost 2 pounds in 3 months, that was very demoralizing because I did not understand why I could not lose weight and two years later I ended up at 295 (because I was so sick and tired of diets and it didn't seem to make a difference how much I worked out and how little I ate). That's when the lap-band journey began.

Now I have lost 67 pounds since being banded and the scale shows 228, which makes me very happy... BUT I am so worried that it is just a temporary kind of thing.

When I lost 71 pounds with Atkins I promised myself to never ever gain it back... that I would never allow myself to not pay attention to my weight and it still happened and a couple of years later I was at my heaviest ever.

Back to the size 18 pants... At first I wanted to pass on my clothes via the sisterhood of the traveling pants and let my pants travel from one bandster to another... I put them on a special pile to take pictures, along with some tops that are very dear to me because I find it very hard to find truly beautiful things in plus sizes but then my fears kicked in. The fear of gaining it all back... and not be able of just grabbing a larger size.

In my closet you can find clothes from size 14/XL all the way up to 20/3XL and I realized that they give me a great comfort and some kind of security because no matter how much I gain I always have something to wear no matter if it is a wedding, a party, a business meeting or just a lunch with friends. For me there is nothing more frustrating than the lack of finding the right outfit. I am sure you all know how frustrating it is to go clothes shopping and I have to admit that I regulary cry in dressing rooms because I get so frustrated with myself and my lack of willpower and commitment to my own body.

So why is it so hard for me to let go of the size 18 pants? Because it took so long (and many tears in dressing rooms) to find the perfect fit/cut? Am I subconsciously holding on to it because I think I will gain it all back? It bothers me that I cannot free myself of whatever is holding on to the size 18 pants.

I would really like to know if you can picture yourself at goal weight? Do you truly believe you will get there and stay there?

My goal is 155 pounds because it would put me at a "normal" weight range... not overweight... but normal... It seems soooooo far away that it is really hard to picture myself of getting there. I need to lose 3 more pounds and I am halfway there... but the halfway mark doesn't mean a lot when you still have 70 pounds to lose.

What's wrong with me? Is anyone having similar "issues"?

Bye-Bye 230s - Hope to never ever see you again

Good Riddance 230s... What a stubborn visitor this was... hope to never ever see you again!

I gave it my all this month... and unfortunately it did not pay off the way I expected :-(

Even though I lost 10 pounds in the month of March I was really hoping to lose a couple of more pounds to reach my Easter Goal of 225! It is highly unlikely that I will drop 4 pounds in the next 48 hours. It's okay, I am still very happy that I lost enough to say good bye to the 230s and if I can continue to lose 10 pounds a month I will be EXTREMELY happy!

I never thought that I would write anything like this... but I am no longer hungry, have no appetite and food just does not taste the way it used to taste. I am having the problem not getting enough calories in. It is not the restriction because I could eat much more if I wanted to...I have never experienced anything like this because I am a food lover and there are varieties of foods I truly love and like to eat...I wouldn't be overweight if I didn't like food, lol!

It really bothers me because I would like to eat in the 1000 calories range... So tomorrow I will have to create a meal plan and force myself to stick to it whether I like it or not.


On a different note, I had a couple of NSV this week...

#1
The most important one, I can (for the first time) see that I have lost weight. Until last week I could only see it in my face but not on my body even though I have dropped sizes in clothing and my husband and other people are pointing it out all the time... but nothing feels better when you can actually see it (and believe it) yourself!

#2
I cannot wear my wedding band any longer because it slips right off... my watch hangs on the underside of my wrist because it got too lose. No idea if I should have it adjusted or wait it out until goal weight.

#3
I am being ID'd for buying wine. Seriously! I am 35 years old, lol!

#4
My closet needs a serious "spring cleaning" Last week we had 80+ degrees and I had to work my way through at least 10 summer tops to finally find one that actually fits.

Other than that I am still extremely busy with work... this weekend I will do some serious spring-cleaning and if time permits plant my veggie and fruit seedlings in my garden.

Will check in with you soon. Bonnie and Band Groupie...Thanks for asking for me and I am truly sorry that I could not respond sooner.

My Easter Challenge

I really need a Challenge... an aggressive one! Those challenges always lift my spirit and get me motivated.

So I decided to set an aggressive goal for Easter:

I want to be at 225 on Easter Sunday... that's 13 pounds to lose during the next 4 weeks and 2 days!

Did anyone of you guys set an Easter Goal? Let me know so I can watch your progress!

Okay, I have no time to waste ;-) I am off to the gym! After that I will cook my favorite salmon, lemon, tomatoes and onions oven dish, will order in a chick-flick (poor hubby) and drink gallons of Moroccan Mint Tea.

It's really coldish in L.A. and even tough I enjoy the comfort of the inside I can't wait for the baking hot temperatures to arrive!

Have a great weekend and Happy Losing!

This is sick - Unbelievable how far some greedy Surgeons go and put lap-band patients in danger

Lap-band promoters' troubled history - latimes.com

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Bye bye 240s - Hello 230s... have not seen you in a while

Glad to see you again 230s.... have not seen you in a couple of years :-) And when I met you last time you left way too quickly ;-) Hopefully you won't stay too long neither but this time you'll be replaced with the 220s not with the 240s! Yeah!

Guys, you have NO IDEA how thankful I am for my great restriction. My surgeon put my right back to my sweet spot and I am back in the weight-losing-mode. 2 more pounds to go and I will reach the 60 pounds mark :-)))

It feels good to have a real restriction because it not only restricts me from eating too much but it also removes craving for certain foods. Food is the last thing on my mind, yesterday I realized at 3 pm that I did not eat anything all day... not good and will not happen again, I promise! At 3 pm I ate some high-fiber Kashi Cereal with low fat greek yoghurt (actually breakfast) and for Dinner I had filet of sole and some spinach. I am drinking a lot of water and also had a bottle of Isopure to make sure I get enough protein and of course took my vitamins. I take 1000mg of Vitamin C (normally take 500mg), a Multi Vitamin, B-100s and Omega Gummy Bears.

On a different note;
Today my seeds arrived and I cannot wait to get my vegetable garden started. I've decided I want to try out gardening and to harvest my own veggies (hopefully). I ordered organic seeds from an online store and will try my luck with tomatoes, eggplants, peppers (hot and sweet), zucchini, broccoli, melons, potatoes and all kinds of herbs and mint. Not so sure if I have a green thumb... but time will tell ;-) To be on the save side I also ordered a book about square foot gardening and a book that explains everything in detail. Cannot wait to get it started.  Will keep you updated on my little gardening project.

Thanks for your warm welcome-back messages. I am soooo glad to be back and really need my blog and you guys through this journey.

***Hugs****

Infection healed, Port back, happy and healthy again :-)

Hi @all,

Did you miss me? ;-) I surly missed you guys :-)
I am truly sorry for not blogging in such a long time. Unfortunately I was/am so busy with work that blogging was just not possible. At any rate... I am back :-) and I am happy to be back :-)

Here are the news:
Due to an infection I had my port removed on 11/20/2009 and I am happy to say that my infection has healed and I no longer have any problems or pain. It took a little while to get an appointment at Cedars Sinai to get my port back. From what I have learned December is a very busy month and I only got my port back on January 15th 2010. It felt like I was waiting for forever to get a surgery date. This was the best surgery out of all 3, everything went very well and even though they had to put me under general anesthesia I did not get sick, had no gas pain and no other pain at all *knockonwood*

When I got the port back I lost all my restriction :-( This was very bad and I have done some very bad things. Nor sure if I should tell you a little food porn but the worst thing was when I ate an entire Costco bag (those bags are HUGE, meant for 5 families or so) of potato chips on a weekend.

Am I bad or what? :-D But I am glad it happened, not the infection of course, but my mega-5-families-super-sized-bag-of-potato-chips-experience because I came to realize that I am sick, sick when it comes to food and that I have no will power to say "no" or to stop eating when I actually should not be eating. Lap-band surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I did not gain any weight though because other than a couple of moments of weakness I did okay, even without restriction. However, I was stuck at 246 for many weeks. Once I lost my "sweet spot"it got more and more difficult. "You only know what you had when you lose it" is soo true!

On February 2nd I got my first fill since I got the port back and the restriction only lasted a couple of days. On Tuesday, February 23rd I went for another fill and I am feeling GREAT! My restriction is right there where it was before I got the infection and I am very motivated again. I hope it stays there if not I will get another fill. At this point I have no more time to waste ;-)

When it comes to my weight loss:
9/11-09   Starting Weight 295
11/20/09 Port Removal Surgery Weight 259 (lost 36 pounds)
1/15/10   Port-back Surgery Weight 246 (lost 49 pounds)
Today:    240 pounds (total loss of 55 pounds)

Yes, the infection was a little set-back for me. I had to work much harder to still lose weight because the restriction I had (without the port) was not sweet-spot-restriction but I am still happy that I continued to lose weight and most of all did not gain any.

I am also glad that this all lays behind me. I tried to avoid thinking about it too much and that was probably also a reason why I avoided lapbandtalk and blogger.

Hopefully by tomorrow I can say FINALLY good-bye to the 240s and my goal for March is to say my final good-byes to the 230s.

I am happy, healthy and I loooooooooove my lap-band :-)

Now that the infection and recovery from it lays behind me... I would still do it again! Even with the infection and all... the lap-band is sooooo worth it.

I hope all of you are doing great and I can't wait to read your blogs and let them inspire me.

Thanks for all your support and last but not least I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2010 ;-)